Anger

Warning. This post is full of anger and resentment.

Sometime I just want to post on every fucking thing on facebook in anger. I don't care. Shut the fuck up. Why is your life good. Why the fuck am I not in a relationship. NOBODY CARES,

But I guess I care because it makes me so fucking angry.

My depression is back. Along with anxiety. And some anger mixed in. Wouldn't you love to be me right now?

Underlying sadness, combined with non stop tension in my neck and shoulders. And the creeping in of suicidal thoughts...just barely there but I can here them....

Anxiety and depression

Well my anxiety and depression are back somewhat. The depression is not as bad. The anxiety is bad at certain times of the day. Early morning and afternoon and evenings when I'm home. I find this strange because I want to be home.

I love being home but when I get up it's there. I go to work and it's better. Maybe because I'm busy. As soon as I get in the car to drive home I feel it again. I don't know what causes it. I am sober about 52 days I think. Maybe its the time of year. Maybe its the time change. I don't know. Obviously I wish I knew so I could do something about it.

In the meantime I am just trying to do as little as possible in the way of stressful things. I do what has to be done at home and try to relax. I am doing meditation. I need to do yoga again and exercise. I feel these would probably help but I'm not doing them.

Why don't I make myself do them? That's where the depression comes in. I find it hard to do much of anything when I'm depressed. All small tasks seem overwhelming to consider doing. Including simply showering, doing laundry, and anything else. I am filled with a sense of dread when thinking of these actions. I make myself do them because they have to be done. And when they are over it's not so bad. But the feeling in my stomach is hard, the knot, the fear, the anxiety is intense. Such is my life today.

But this too shall pass.
 

Perfectionism

I have recently recognized some in myself. So funny because I would have NEVER thought that about myself but I do seem some now. I always have that huge list of what I should be doing. Frequently I don't do a thing on it because it's overwhelming. Then I go to the other extreme. Doing nothing.

I'm not sure how to deal with this. I am trying to focus on one or two things daily. I can get something done when I obviously can't get it all done.

I don't have to be perfect. In fact I never will be. I have to remind myself it's ok. I don't have to be involved in every social event, I don't have to lose 20 pounds today, or do yoga daily, or exercise everyday, or quit smoking today, I don't have to run a half marathon, or clean my house, or complete a semester of work today. I have to stay sober today and hopefully complete a few items on my to-do list. But if I don't complete them the world will not end. I will be ok.

Waiting

I am no good at waiting. I am currently waiting to go for a drive with a friend. I expected he meant earlier. He didn't say earlier I just assumed. So now I've been ready for over an hour and just wait. I've change twice in this process.

I am really no good at waiting for anything. I have the desire for instant gratification which seems true for most alcoholics. I want to be sober 10 years now. I can't do that but often wish I could. To jump ahead and have the knowledge, the time, the security I imagine I will have.

Waiting is the journey, the learning, the growing. I need to embrace the here and now. To not expect everything now but learn patience and the ability to live in now with what I have.

I have my sobriety now. My head may be a big jumble at times and sometimes I don't know what I am even waiting on. But I am sober. Maybe as the fog clears my head will too. Maybe I will learn to accept things as they are rather than always wanting something different. Maybe I am learning that day by day more than I realize.

I guess I wait on acceptance. Acceptance of my fears, my problems, my downfalls. I tend to expect more than what I am from myself. I feel the need to be different, have a new job, have new clothes, live a busy and productive life.

Maybe I don't need to worry about these things. Maybe they will fall into place on their own.

I just need to accept me, now, as I am, and pratice patience. Sit with my feelings. And be ok.

Expectations

I find my mind too busy most of the time. I am always thinking. About doing this or that. Mostly what I "should" be doing that I'm not. I am reading 2 books by Pema Chodron, one is
" Getting Unstuck" and the other is "Taking the Leap". This is her website http://pemachodronfoundation.org/store/buy-books/ She has talked about some good stuff so far. I am trying to achieve more mindfulness, staying in the moment and dealing with my "stuckness" with alcohol and life in general.

I am signed up for a half marathon in December but have I been training? We should know that's a big fat no. I think about how I need to train and how I should run but don't. I realized yesterday I don't have to feel like it I just need to do it. I read another book where the runner repeated "I choose to run" so this morning I choose to run, at least a little to start.

I am not happy in my job but do have an interview this afternoon and have made some recent efforts to apply different places so I am working on that.

I need to write down my endless list of what I feel like I should be doing and mark it off as I go. I think I would be happier if I ran everyday, ate right, did this or did that. I don't know if I would be or not but isn't that alcohol thinking??? All or nothing.

So today I will try to relieve myself of "should" and focus on the moment. What I am doing.

Still going

I have made it 32 days today. It felt good to celebrate 30 days! I still feel good, wonder if it's the pink cloud. I've had that before but if it is then I will take it. I'm trying to branch out, get new routines and do new and different things to grow in my sober life. I want to get a regular yoga routine going and have found some meditation classes I am excited about starting.

I need to work a recovery program I feel, right now I'm not besides what I do myself. I am very involved in an online group but maybe something face to face. AA I have done but honestly it seems so all consuming that I haven't gone back lately. I may try to go to some meetings. I want to protect my sobriety but not have that be my entire life. As I type this I realize...maybe it needs to be my entire life right now...something for me to consider...

Peace

I'm on day 16 now. I am on antabuse and it is really helping me. The mental obession has been lifted becaus if I drink I will be violently ill. Don't want that. So I have been relieved of the obession for now. As always the mental obession gets me. I am living life again. I love it.