Anger

Warning. This post is full of anger and resentment.

Sometime I just want to post on every fucking thing on facebook in anger. I don't care. Shut the fuck up. Why is your life good. Why the fuck am I not in a relationship. NOBODY CARES,

But I guess I care because it makes me so fucking angry.

My depression is back. Along with anxiety. And some anger mixed in. Wouldn't you love to be me right now?

Underlying sadness, combined with non stop tension in my neck and shoulders. And the creeping in of suicidal thoughts...just barely there but I can here them....

Anxiety and depression

Well my anxiety and depression are back somewhat. The depression is not as bad. The anxiety is bad at certain times of the day. Early morning and afternoon and evenings when I'm home. I find this strange because I want to be home.

I love being home but when I get up it's there. I go to work and it's better. Maybe because I'm busy. As soon as I get in the car to drive home I feel it again. I don't know what causes it. I am sober about 52 days I think. Maybe its the time of year. Maybe its the time change. I don't know. Obviously I wish I knew so I could do something about it.

In the meantime I am just trying to do as little as possible in the way of stressful things. I do what has to be done at home and try to relax. I am doing meditation. I need to do yoga again and exercise. I feel these would probably help but I'm not doing them.

Why don't I make myself do them? That's where the depression comes in. I find it hard to do much of anything when I'm depressed. All small tasks seem overwhelming to consider doing. Including simply showering, doing laundry, and anything else. I am filled with a sense of dread when thinking of these actions. I make myself do them because they have to be done. And when they are over it's not so bad. But the feeling in my stomach is hard, the knot, the fear, the anxiety is intense. Such is my life today.

But this too shall pass.
 

Perfectionism

I have recently recognized some in myself. So funny because I would have NEVER thought that about myself but I do seem some now. I always have that huge list of what I should be doing. Frequently I don't do a thing on it because it's overwhelming. Then I go to the other extreme. Doing nothing.

I'm not sure how to deal with this. I am trying to focus on one or two things daily. I can get something done when I obviously can't get it all done.

I don't have to be perfect. In fact I never will be. I have to remind myself it's ok. I don't have to be involved in every social event, I don't have to lose 20 pounds today, or do yoga daily, or exercise everyday, or quit smoking today, I don't have to run a half marathon, or clean my house, or complete a semester of work today. I have to stay sober today and hopefully complete a few items on my to-do list. But if I don't complete them the world will not end. I will be ok.

Waiting

I am no good at waiting. I am currently waiting to go for a drive with a friend. I expected he meant earlier. He didn't say earlier I just assumed. So now I've been ready for over an hour and just wait. I've change twice in this process.

I am really no good at waiting for anything. I have the desire for instant gratification which seems true for most alcoholics. I want to be sober 10 years now. I can't do that but often wish I could. To jump ahead and have the knowledge, the time, the security I imagine I will have.

Waiting is the journey, the learning, the growing. I need to embrace the here and now. To not expect everything now but learn patience and the ability to live in now with what I have.

I have my sobriety now. My head may be a big jumble at times and sometimes I don't know what I am even waiting on. But I am sober. Maybe as the fog clears my head will too. Maybe I will learn to accept things as they are rather than always wanting something different. Maybe I am learning that day by day more than I realize.

I guess I wait on acceptance. Acceptance of my fears, my problems, my downfalls. I tend to expect more than what I am from myself. I feel the need to be different, have a new job, have new clothes, live a busy and productive life.

Maybe I don't need to worry about these things. Maybe they will fall into place on their own.

I just need to accept me, now, as I am, and pratice patience. Sit with my feelings. And be ok.

Expectations

I find my mind too busy most of the time. I am always thinking. About doing this or that. Mostly what I "should" be doing that I'm not. I am reading 2 books by Pema Chodron, one is
" Getting Unstuck" and the other is "Taking the Leap". This is her website http://pemachodronfoundation.org/store/buy-books/ She has talked about some good stuff so far. I am trying to achieve more mindfulness, staying in the moment and dealing with my "stuckness" with alcohol and life in general.

I am signed up for a half marathon in December but have I been training? We should know that's a big fat no. I think about how I need to train and how I should run but don't. I realized yesterday I don't have to feel like it I just need to do it. I read another book where the runner repeated "I choose to run" so this morning I choose to run, at least a little to start.

I am not happy in my job but do have an interview this afternoon and have made some recent efforts to apply different places so I am working on that.

I need to write down my endless list of what I feel like I should be doing and mark it off as I go. I think I would be happier if I ran everyday, ate right, did this or did that. I don't know if I would be or not but isn't that alcohol thinking??? All or nothing.

So today I will try to relieve myself of "should" and focus on the moment. What I am doing.

Still going

I have made it 32 days today. It felt good to celebrate 30 days! I still feel good, wonder if it's the pink cloud. I've had that before but if it is then I will take it. I'm trying to branch out, get new routines and do new and different things to grow in my sober life. I want to get a regular yoga routine going and have found some meditation classes I am excited about starting.

I need to work a recovery program I feel, right now I'm not besides what I do myself. I am very involved in an online group but maybe something face to face. AA I have done but honestly it seems so all consuming that I haven't gone back lately. I may try to go to some meetings. I want to protect my sobriety but not have that be my entire life. As I type this I realize...maybe it needs to be my entire life right now...something for me to consider...

Peace

I'm on day 16 now. I am on antabuse and it is really helping me. The mental obession has been lifted becaus if I drink I will be violently ill. Don't want that. So I have been relieved of the obession for now. As always the mental obession gets me. I am living life again. I love it.

Day 3

I made it through last night. Dinner party at my house went great. One person brought alcohol and had 2 drinks. Everyone seemed to have fun. And so did I.

Today will be a challange maybe. I'm alone at home. Was invited to the lake but that will be drinking time so can't do that. Plan to stay home and get some stuff done. Feeling ok so far but it's only 6 AM.

 

Time to try again

Day 2. Trying this again. And again till I get it right. I have to lay low and stay away from friends who are drinking or who will drink with me despite knowing my situation. It's not their responsibility but mine. However I get such mixed messages. Asking me to go and waving the waiter over then texting me the next day about how I have no self control. It's true though. When it comes to alcohol I have no control at all.

Three days alone this weekend. Confused on how to stay busy but praying for strength. I can't hide behind the excuse, I can't bury myself in social activities because I will drink, too much time alone is not good for me...But I have done it before and can do it again. I have non drinking friends, I have my family.

God give me the strength to do this.

time

how time changes things. drinking again. more in control now yet i have that nagging guilt about it. i have an idea of how life should be and work to accomplish that i suppose. the drinks are random bringing relief at times and nothing at time.

109 Days

Ohmygosh...I hadn't realized how long it has been since I blogged. The post title should tell you .... yes I am still sober by the grace of God. Still doing really well and going to AA. Try to go daily but at least 4-5 a week. They really do help if you are considering going I would recommend it. I didn't like them at first but actually look forward to them now.

My mood is usually good. Life is not perfect but so much better than before. I am still very active and social. Spend time with friends and enjoy myself. There have been days when I really want to drink. I push through and don't. Saturday was 105 days. Last year I had 105 days and drank. Saturday was hard for me. The subconsious mind at play is my guess. I was restless and not sure what to do with myself. My friends all seemed busy and I was tempted to drink. Instead I got busy doing some things that I have been needing to do. The cravings passed and I was productive too!

So the longest sobriety time I have had was several years ago and I had almost 6 months. That I expect will prove to be a difficult time but maybe being prepared will help. I am loving life too much to go back to the mess it was before for just a few minutes of ... of what? Oblivion maybe? No thinking? Just the escape of alcohol I guess is what it was. Really though how long does the "good" last? For me not very long. Then it is a nightmare. So it is continuing sobriety for me!!

Fine Saturday Morning

I am so happy to be sober and happy this morning. My outlook on life is 110% better. Not sure if it's the med changes or what but I will take it...

I am socializing without alcohol. Doing different things and looking forward to doing them. And not cancelling. That in itself is amazing. I look forward to life. Just booked a room for an AA conference in April and can't wait. Went to a dinner theater last night. Thinking about a hike today. Beautiful weather. Beautiful life and I'm rocking AA to help me stay this way!!!!

Day 35 - 5 Weeks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Update

Awww so much has happened since I last posted. On February 18 I drank a bottle of wine and took a bottle of klonidin. I had texted my sponsor and she tried to text me back. I said "I can't do this anymore." She called my sister who called 911 and came to my house. I remember little about that night. I spent the night in ICU. From there I went to an acute treatment center for 6 days and then onto a 21 day alcohol treatment facility.

I believe that treatment saved my life. I was able to focus on me and my sobriety without the outside stressors of life. I dealt with all kinds of feelings without alcohol. I wrote a lot and processed what I wrote with a group and a counselor. All this and much more really helped.

The most important thing I did was really surrender my alcohol problem to God. I can't tell you how my outlook has changed. I feel happy, full of hope and belief that I can stay sober. I can socialize without alcohol and I can make my dreams come true.

My plan to do so is through prayer, meditation, AA and therapy. I am 32 days sober.

Yuck

This week has been kinda sucky. Work is ok, very busy which is good. No time to think. By evening I feel depressed, empty and hopeless AGAIN. Doing what has been suggested. Doing the meetings and talking to my sponsor about my moods. Also my therapist today.

I'm supposed to look at things more positively. Again my sponsor suggested a list of good things I did for the day. I did that for a while. A gratitude list. A list of things I like about myself and why. That's alot of lists.

I tend to feel better after certain meetings. I just dread going usually. Dread going anywhere alot of the time. Looking forward to something is my wish right now. Be happy. Stay sober.

What I did right:
1. Went to work
2. Saw my therapist
3. Went to my daughters meeting at school
4. Didn't drink which should have been first.
5. Meditated, prayed and did my readings.
6. Ended a not good for my friendship for very good reasons. Didn't feel good and makes me sad but it's   
    for the best.

The rest are more personal and I will do in my journal and maybe do some step work.

Tomorrow brings work, donating blood, and a 6 and 8 meeting.

Day 20

Valentine's Day

No big deal for me because I have no boyfriend but that's ok.

So after my last post I decided I was not looking at it from their point of view. I also think it was my way of isolating that night. Get mad, stay home. Anyway I made my ammends and apologized on Sunday morning.

The week has been ok so far. Meeting both days. Later afternoon, today and several others, I started feeling depressed. No identifyable reason. I tried to do as my therapist said and reframe my thoughts positively. I took a minute and meditated and said the Lords prayer. I felt a little better. I came home and had some hot tea and went to a meeting.

Supposed to be thinking of little things (per my therapist) I can do during the day when I start feeling that way to help myself. I have thought of prayer, quick meditation, hot tea, but I'm really not coming up with anything else. Suggestions?

Mixed Emotions

This week went pretty well. By Thursday afternoon I started feeling depressed and craving a drink. I saw my therapist and it went well. Friday the same thing. I begrudingly went to my 6 and 8 meetings and did feel better. I felt very grateful this morning.

I was supposed to go to a friends tonight to watch a movie. So I was joking with her this morning about lets go get a drink. She knows everything and just wanted to make sure she was clear on everything. She said I thought you weren't drinking and I told her no just kidding, etc. She said lol I thought I was going to have to call your sister. My sister is being very overprotective. She calls at least 3 times daily and that's ok but she can't run my life. I told my friend no it was just a joke. Sometimes you have to laugh instead of cry. Well she called her anyway. It pissed me off. She said she just wanted to make sure they were on the same page and if I couldn't see that she was just being a friend then I could just stay home and feel sorry for myself. I'm so confused. I realize I've made mistakes but I have to have some space. I have to run my life not my sister or anyone else. I feel like a 2 year old. Maybe I'm overreacting. I don't know.

Checking in

Just wanted to check in. I am feeling better this week. I think they may have finally got my meds right. I have totally committed myself to AA. I have been to meetings everyday and will do so for 90 days and am working with my sponsor.

There have been a few tough times but I called my sponsor and went to a meetings and prayed. After my hospital visit I know I have to do this. It was probably what I really needed and the best part for me is it's not a secret anymore. My parents know and are very supportive. I don't announce it to the world but my close friends know I am going to AA. I am not embarrassed by it. I have a disease and need help. I doubt I would have ever told my parents otherwise. Also my daughter is being very supportive about me going to meetings. So just the freedom of it not being a secret anymore is really helpful. I am going to do anything and everything that is suggested by my sponsor. If someone doesn't want to be my friend because of my problem then that's their choice.

So my top priority is sobriety. I will do this. Just wanted to let everyone know how things are going this week.

Back to work

After my "mental health" vacation I go back to work tomorrow. Starting a new position in my company. 8 to 5 so it will keep me busy. I get an hour lunch so gonna try to make noon meetings if possible.

Today was better than yesterday. Church, visited a friend, ran, showered and a little laundry. I feel a little sad and anxious off and on but not too bad. Part of me wishes I didn't have to go back to work yet but I have to so trying to make the most of it.

Went to the 8:00 meeting last night and felt some better after. I know the bad and hard times come and go. I know this. I just have to deal. I'm really determined and will follow directions and go to meetings and pray for sobriety to continue. This time last week I was in the psych ward so it's an improvement right?

Been sober for 9 days. You start your count on the 1st day you didn't drink at all right?

Restless

So it's early 8:35 am. I'm restless and anxious. I have a few things to do but nothing major. Guess I need to find something to do...NOT DRINKING!!!

Maybe noon meeting, 6:00 meeting tonight. I need to read my big book and do some step work. God will get me through this day.

Today is one week sober.

Ok

Today was ok. I showered, payed bills, had lunch with a friend, saw my new therapist, took my daughter to the dentist, went for a walk with my sister, and then a meeting.

Little restless this morning, some depression but not too bad. I met a man in the hospital so he's been going to meetings with me before he leaves for 30 days rehab. I've made it very clear we both need to concentrate on our sobriety right now and just be friends. Of course I find myself extremely attracted to him. He scares me. I don't know whether he's honest or lies or anything. He says the right things but I've heard that before.

Anyway sobriety first. Wish he'd go on to rehab so I can quit thinking about him....men scare me, relationships scare me. the way I am feeling about him really scare me. I've been hurt too much.

Changes

Since I lasted posted some major events have happened. I explained about being so depressed so Friday I was sick of feeling depressed and decided to drink. Keep in mind I hadn't been doing AA or anything except sleeping and being depressed for months. So after some wild and crazy drinking I apparently told a friend I was going to drive my car into a wall and be done with it. He called my sister who came and said you are either going voluntarily to the hospital or I have a doctor who will put you on a 72 hour hold. So I went. My blood alcohol level was 286. I had to stay in ER all night until it went down to 100. Then they transported me to a local psych unit. I stayed from Saturday until today. The doctor changed my meds and I spent the first three days in bed sleeping and crying except for mandatory groups and food. Yesterday I started feeling better and socialized more and didn't sleep or cry all day. They let me leave today. I have an appointment with a therapist tomorrow. I went to talk to my sponsor and have committed to 90 in 90. I will do whatever she says. I never want to go back to the place again. So this will involve lots of help and changes. No more isolating and staying home alone. If my daughters gone I'm leaving, meeting, my sisters, whatever. I told all my close friends what happened and that I will be doing AA, including my parents, everyone has been very supportive. I know from experience it's so hard but if I don't get sober I will end of dead. And I can't do that....

So will going to meetings and gonna check our itr meeting as well. It's all out in the open now and I can't keep playing with fire. I'm giving it to my Higher Power because only He can help me do this.

Life is hard

So last weekend I went out Friday night with some friends and drank. Was supposed to go with some friends Saturday but didn't wake up till noon. My friend was worried so she called my sister who dragged me over to her house for the weekend and made me not sleep all the time. Then Monday I went on a date and drank and told her I was going home and ended up at a friends house while she's freaking out because she didn't know where I was. Then she decided I should move in with her. She didn't even want me to drive my car to work. I know she's trying to help but I couldn't handle all that and came back home.

However my depression is continuing. Better at times but not at times. Trying to find a psychiatrist to adjust my meds. I know I need to stop drinking but it's so freaking hard. Supposed to get with friends this weekend. Trying to socialize more. Who knows? Life sucks...

Trying to live life

I'm trying. I'm trying to live life. I actually met a man who has been asking me out last night. Of course, we drank. Not too much. Couple glasses of wine. Everyone I know drinks. I'm going to try to get out some this weekend with friends. I don't know if I will drink. Started back on my anti-anxiety meds. Hoping things improve.

I'm checking out a position available within my company. Maybe a change will help. Who know....

Random word association

I drank Friday. I had all I could take of feeling awful. Depressed, anxious, twitchy, tired, etc. So I had some beer and went to dinner and out with friends. It was ok. Fuzzy about halfway through the evening. Took a cab so I was safe.

I'm confused. I don't really want to drink. I felt miserable the last few weeks though. I have spent the last 3 weekends in bed for the most part, depressed, no energy. I started some vitamins. Haven't been able to make myself workout lately. Mostly staying home except Friday night. Spent Monday with my daughter. I started back on my anti-anxiety meds to see if that helps.

I lay in bed last night just thinking of whatever words came to mind. I was having trouble sleeping. Strange thoughts and strange random words.

Crazy Midnight Thoughts

alone, no one to sleep with, no one to cuddle with, alone in my bed with my dogs, you have someone, and so do you, where is someone for me, I'm tired of this life, I'm tired of this feelings, I hate my job, I'm scared to do most things for fear of drinking, why not drink, dangerous, stupid, pointless, drowning in my sorrow, fearful, black surrounds me, buries me, can it end now?

cuts, my wrist against a knife, a bottle of pills, driving off a cliff, would these help, they would hurt others, they would be the ultimate selfish act, i don;t want to be selfish, I want to be happy, free, find joy in life, hike, cook, shop, date, travel, be carefree. how, i don't know, relax, pray, be patient, keep a good attitude, it's overwhelming and i want to bury in the darkness and hibernate for months, I want to get better, i want to be happy, the darkness buries me, can it end now?

why me? why not someone else, why do i deserve this plight in life, so many blessings i do have, how difficult it is to focus on them in the darkness in my head, black surrounds me, darkness suffocates me, i want light and sun and God. Satan be gone, darkness be gone, give me peace, love hope, black buries me, can it end now? Can I go now?

3 weeks

3 weeks ago today I had my last drink. I started early, about one, had 3 beers, took a nap, met a friend at a resturant, had 2 margaritas and a beer, went to a friends house, 2 more beers, we called a cab and went out. I lost count after that. We went to a local hangout, then down the street to a bar, very fuzzy but a bouncer asked me to leave and off I went in a cab home. I don't know why I was asked to leave. I've had more dangerous nights, I guess I had fun, really don't remember much. The next day I decided it was a waste of time, all this drinking. So I resolved, again, to stop. But for a year. Then re-evaluate. I have had a couple of hard days. But not too many. I have battled depression. I have had these muscle twitches for over a week now. Just feel numb. Today I was told the naltrexone could be causing it so I'm considering quitting it. I hate this numb, twitchy feeling. It's yuck and no fun. So will I have more cravings if I stop it? I don't know. I think it's worth a try because with this feeling I don't feel like doing anything. I want to feel happy, full of life, etc. So I think I will try stopping it and see if that helps.

Yesterday I had 2 men, both with girlfriends, try to get me to hook up, have phone sex, send them pics, etc. One is an ex. The other I have a history with as well. They both have girlfriends now, self proclaimed, in a relationship on facebook. Why do men do this? Do they get bored or what? I told them both no. I don't mess around with other girls boyfriends, not nice and bad karma. But it made me think. Is it me? Do they hit on others too? Why do they think I would do that even if they are "in a relationship"? I don't trust men anyway and they only reinforced that feeling. If I was to ever date either again I wouldn't trust them to be faithful. I mean, if they try it with me they will try it with someone else eventually. But I wouldn't have thought one would do that. So who is to say that any man will be faithful? And are the women they are with doing the same thing? Do they suspect their man is trying to be with someone else? Love is crazy and confusing and scary.

Anyway, it's Friday night and I'm home. It's been a long 3 weeks, here's to another 49 weeks of sobriety. (At which point I believe I will not want to go back to drinking but it makes me feel better to have a re-evalutation point.)

Day 21

Alive

So I made it through 2 days of work. It wasn't awful. Not great but I did what I am supposed to. I met with Dr. C. yesterday. I read some of my journal to him. He thinks I am not allowing myself to hear what my subcouncious wants me to. I talked with him about being so twitchy and jittery. He didn't seem overly concerned.

As I read he prompted me to change my don't and can't's to won'ts. He had me write down some things. One being "I am scared to be in a relationship because it hurt too much and I don't ever want to feel like I did when..I got a divorce, broke up with my ex-boyfriend, etc" It's true. I don't. I am afraid to take risks for fear of failing. I am afraid to be alone, of losing my parents, of my daughteir growing up and leaving me alone. I am afraid of life.

When I left I actually felt some better, less anxious, less jumpy. I'm trying to replace won't in my thoughts and then I can change it to will. I will stay sober.

Day 19

Day 17

Moving on in the day count. Got up and did my boot camp. It wasn't bad today. Tomorrow will probably be harder. Came home and went back to bed for 3 hours. Did laundry. Not much else.

I feel so strange. My body is twitching. I know that sounds odd but when I lay down to sleep or just sitting my body is really twitching and jumpy. I feel half asleep half the time and my body feels almost numb in a way. I don't know what that's all about. If it continues I may call the doctor, it's a disturbing feeling.

Back to work tomorrow. Then see Dr. C. Busy, full day. More than I've done in the last few weeks. Hopefully I will get into the swing of things and feel more normal. My mood is ok. Not great but not sad.

Happy New Year

Today has been pretty good. Woke up, went to church, had lunch and spent the afternoon with family. Tomorrow I have a 6:00 am boot camp (exercise class) I agreed to do with my sister. I have been dreading it but I can handle it. I have to get back to living life and stop hiding at home.

My phrase for the year is "willingness to follow-through" with sobriety, and everything else I start. I am focusing on sobriety though because I believe everything else will fall into place if I stay sober.

Day 16