New Year's Eve

Actually I have not drank on new year's eve numerous times. It isn't safe to be out and about and I have stayed home over the past few years. Since 2008 I have written a reflection of my year month by month and my goals for the new year. Of course they all involved alcohol. The good, the bad and the goals. I drank this month, I didn't drink this month. Depression has also been a very noticable problem. Felt depressed, felt ok. Some months I just draw a blank about how it was. I can remember if I was drinking or not usually. But not always a lot of details. Unless maybe I think harder and really try to remember. I think I will do that.

So as I read and wrote this year I saw no changes. The same problems over and over. Alcohol. Depression. Related? I don't know, but I do know alcohol makes the depression worse. I wrote last December 17 my surrender to alcohol. That lasted until early January. I did have 105 days of sobriety in 2011. I can't recall alot of details about that time off the top of my head.

I wrote only one goal for 2012: Stay sober, if I can do this the rest will fall into place.

I am at home alone but feeling ok. Not really down today. Thank you God. Somewhat thinking about alcohol but knowing it's not the answer. I can't keep the cycle going and waste another year. I'm obviously not happy drinking so time to try and be happy without drinking. It's hard. It's a change. I don't like change much.

I had a few invitations for tonight. Some included alcohol. One didn't. I'm not attending the alcohol related events for sure. The non-alcohol event? I don't know. I'm pretty comfy here at home....

Day 15

Some better

Well today was a bit better. I don't feel as down and depressed. I went for a run downtown. I took a shower. I feel more human and able to live life. Less fear.

Of course it's new years weekend. I have kinda a craving to drink, but not really. Just I am alone tonight and probably most of tomorrow and tomorrow night. It just seems something to fill the time at this point. But I'm not drinking. I want to feel better and I know the depression that follows drinking and don't know that I could survive that right now. Just seeing some light at the end of the tunnel of this week and have to go back to work and life next week. I could go to my sister's. I could invite someone to hike with me tomorrow. I should go to a meeting.

I won't drink though.

Day 14

Nothing new

No change. Lunch with my parents. Came home and laid down and cried. Just cried. I felt so sad. I wrote in my journal at the time. I'm full of emptyness. No plans for the weekend so I may try to stay home, hibernate some more.

I have to go back to work Tuesday. I have to do a boot camp my sister signed me up to do with her. I agreed. She paid. I have to go. It starts on Monday.

I need to take a shower. I need to get over this funk. Leaving the house sounds horrific.

No desire to drink.

Day 13

Still sad

Sadness is still creeping around me. I'm trying to stay in the moment. I wrote in my journal last night and this afternoon when feeling sad so maybe it will help me piece together my puzzle.

I was supposed to have a training session at 2:00 this afternoon. I cancelled it. I just wanted to stay home and sleep. I slept for 2 hours. Then read some of Mindfulness and the 12 steps. I have that and Budda's way through the 12 steps on my kindle and the women's way through the 12 steps book. I'm working on reading each step in each book. But I feel like I need a sponsor to work the steps with? Or maybe I can just do them? I haven't been to any meetings this week. Maybe Friday night if my daughter isn't home.

I feel a sense of hopelessness, sadness, no joy in my life, or nothing that I'm even looking forward to. Just a blanket of fear and sadness right now. I'm not tearful. Just empty. The void I used to fill with alcohol is empty and I feel it's emptiness. I am feeling like hibernating again. Just staying in the safety of my house. Like I did this afternoon. I know it's not good for me to do that but sometimes I just give in to it. Not really craving alcohol. That's good.

Day 12

Fear

Today was my appointment with Dr. C. I woke up feeling good, happy and all. Took the kids to lunch and my daughter notices an older man sitting next to us by himself. She said it was sad. I tried to comfort her by saying well he probably has family at home, etc. But the truth was it made me sad too. And the sadness stuck through the afternoon.

 I came home and took a brief nap. Then went to see Dr. C. I told him about feeling sad. I kept saying I don't know why. Of course from last week we then reviewed that I probably do know but am blocking, don't want to talk about it, etc. So we get on the topic of lonely. I start crying. Yes, a fear of mine is being lonely. I already dread my daughter going to college and that's 3 years away. So we concluded yes, I am lonely and I am fearful of being alone long term. My life is dull (his word) and I filled the void with alcohol. Agreed. So I ask what do I do about that? Well, that's where I have to stop saying I don't know and identify. He asked if felt like I had made mistakes that I regretted with my marriage, relationships, etc that I blame myself for. No, I really don't think so. The only major regret I have is drinking to the point I'm at now. We talked about the AA workbook and journaling again. I just ordered the workbook online and will make an effort to journal (writing, not just blogging) about my feelings this week. Maybe then we can get to the bottom of this issue?? WTF I don't even know why I have that fear? I felt great last week mostly. After the appointment I went and worked out and came home. I feel ok now. Not as sad.

We'll see what tomorrow holds....day 11

Still breathing

So I did survive last night. I would have pulled someone's eyeballs out for a drink but I didn't give in. After a couple of hours then I somewhat settled down and did go to bed early. I was able to wake up and go to the gym for my training session then go to lunch and shopping with friends from out of town. Had I drank I would have definitely skipped that because it was cold and raining here all day. Instead I got to enjoy my friends and my day, so grateful I made it through. I hope that can help me next time the cravings hit to remember making it and being glad.

Home tonight with kiddos and feeling pretty good. I need to go to a meeting soon. I guess I need to look for a new sponsor because I need and want to work the steps. I loved my other sponsor. I just won't commit to 90 in 90 right now....sigh....

Anyway, now to make it through New Years!!

DOUBLE DIGITS DAY 10

Fa La La

Well the Christmas fun is over and I would KILL for a drink. Here are the cravings I so stupidly wished for. Good thing is no alcohol is available. No liquor sells on Sunday, very few resturants open. STRONGLY considered a local hotel bar because surely they are open? I want a effing bottle of wine and I know it would end ugly. I didn't go. I came home. Put on my pj's. I still want the fucking drink. Breathing, praying, don't know if there are any meetings today and if I leave the house to find out I may end up at the bar. So makeup washed off and pj's on help to hinder that thought. I started reading the woman's way through the twelve steps, I don't have a sponsor to call anymore, I could call someone else but I'd still want a fucking drink so I don't know what that would help. 

The day was good but tonight sucks. SUCKS!!! Bedtime for me soon. No I don't care that it's not even 7:00 pm yet.


Fucking day 9 and I usually don't cuss so please excuse that....

Sober Christmas Eve

It has been a good day. I got up and ran 7.25 miles. Yoga was cancelled due to Christmas Eve. My lovely daughter wanted to come home for a bit so we showered and decided to start a new pizza lunch Christmas Eve tradition!! It was delicious! Home for a nap, took her back to grandmother's and went to Christmas Eve service. Came home and finally finished wrapping gifts. Now just waiting till time to pick her back up.

Some thoughts of drinks did pop in my head when taking her back to grandma's and during service...like hmmm after this I could go have a drink, maybe some wine. No I thought and didn't dwell on it. Don't want anything at all now. It wasn't a bad craving, just a passing thought.

I can remember drinking on Christmas Eve's in the past. Stalling to go pick up my daughter cause I was out drinking, probably picked her up smelling of booze and cigarettes. Lovely. Glad that's in the past. Looking forward to the day at my sister's tomorrow.

I wish you all a sober and happy holiday!

Day 8

Not so bad...

Well...I made it fine, after I was left alone I napped, had dinner with my sister, went to a 6:00 meeting, and home in my pj's with some hot tea.

Funny cravings never hit...hmmm

Early run tomorrow, yoga and maybe a meeting....

Thank you God for day 7!!!!

Friday

Typically Friday is a difficult day for me. It's early, just 9:20 am and so far I'm fine. I have my daughter and her friend still alseep and I'm just hanging out right now. Thinking about going for a run and then yoga at 10:45. Things will be fine for now. My daughter will go to work at 2:00. Then she will spend the night at her grandmothers and will possiblily be home for a few hours tomorrow afternoon but will go back for Christmas Eve till about 9:00 pm ish. If I think too hard that's a lot of free time. I have been aware of this free time for a few days and keep thinking I need a plan. I have a 6:00 meeting I should go to. Will I? Not sure. I have some gifts to wrap. I could go to my sisters. I don't feel like drinking right now. At all really. I pray it will last. I have felt strong all week and pray that I will continue to. If it gets hard, as I know it will soon, it will be a chance to take action and not give in. In a sick way I almost want that craving so I can face it and not drink and take action and feel stronger in my ability too. So I will see how my day goes but I will not drink.

Day 7

Nothing new...

Well today was fairly uneventful...kinda...made Christmas cookies with my daughter and niece, had a personal training session that was hard!! Gonna probably be sore tomorrow...little laundry, cooked dinner, read and watched some tv. Just hanging out with my daughter...So good but not terribly exciting!!

I did notice my mood was kinda low during some points today. I tried to pinpoint a reason but couldn't. I prayed and I guess it passed cause I feel pretty ok now...

I didn't take my Clonazepam lasting night cause Dr. C. said it was an opiate and would increase alcohol craving. I think it really is supposed to be a temporary thing. My regular doctor told me he would prescribe it but only on a monthly basis. So I slept fine, not sure if that had anything to do with my mood today.

So we will see what tomorrow holds. No big plans, just to run, maybe other than that I'll stay home in my pj's. I heart vacations!!! And also I heart that I haven't had any cravings to drink or smoke and am on day 5!!!!

Moving on up...

So I went to see Dr. C. today. I shall share the wisdom of our session as best I can remember it. I caught him up to date on my drinking, my loss of sponsor and my committment to a year of soberiety. He continues to feel I need AA. I haven't been back. I'm not opposed really, and probably will go back. But I still don't see me doing 90 in 90. Dr. C. says that just shows committment to wanting to stay sober. He talked today with me about feelings, awareness of my feelings, and learning to retrain my thinking. Interesting stuff...

Past essentially consists of guilt, shame, regret, and embarrassment. Guilt is not a real feeling. It is self-imposed. No one can make you feel guily but yourself. Guilt is usually brought about by feelings of shame or regret of something you have done.

The future consists of fear, anxiety, and a couple of others I forgot but he said we would review. We are only born with two fears..fear of falling and fear of loud noises. All other fears are learned.

When we answer "I don't know" it's not true, it means we don't want to think about it, we may be blocking it, may just not want to deal with it but really yes, we know.

When we say "I can't" it's not true, it means we won't, won't make the effort, don't want to, or whatever but yes, we can.

Like the 90 in 90, yes I can make it happen somehow...now do I want to go the trouble to make it happen? Not right now, I may find it necessary at some time but right now I am choosing not to do 90 in 90. I am also choosing not to drink, which I think is entirely possible without 90 in 90, maybe I'm wrong but that is what I feel right now.

So I am supposed to try and be aware of my thoughts and try to make them positive rather than negative and try to retrain my thinking. Ok I can try that.

I have been keeping a journal off and on since June 2009. It is a repeated cycle. Last December 17, 2010 I wrote a pledge to surrender drinking. Obviously didn't but AGAIN on December 17, 2011 I did. I read through my journal last night and found that quite interesting. Same place a year later. Hopefully this year turns out differently.

I had a good day again. Here's my list of good stuff I did today (as previously recommended by my sponsor but haven't been doing lately)

1. Didn't drink or smoke
2. Saw Dr. C.
3. Ran 3 miles
4. Spent some time with family
5. Am enjoying an evening with my daughter
6. Tried to stay positive and was mostly successful

Happy Soberiety to everyone!!

Day 4

Good day!!!

Today was good. I won $50 on the Victoria's Secret secret reward card, the store replaced the broken glass in a frame for free, we found a Christmas gift that we didn't expect too, someone bought me lunch, I spent time with my daughter, got an upgrade on my cell phone (which actually caused some frustration in trying to learn how to use it), I had a nap, I went to my personal training session, went grocery shopping, had a sushi dinner with my sis and fam and then looked at Christmas lights!! Yes indeed a good day. I felt good. I tried to remain positive during some trying times and mostly succeeded. I called to reschedule my psych appointment that I cancelled Friday to drink. Going tomorrow at 4:00. I haven't really had a desire to drink and haven't smoked since Friday. I'm on vacation and am getting an opportunity to refocus. This is the year of reformation, this is day 3. They won't all be this good but they will be step in the right direction!!

Living life!

So Friday I drank, nothing wonderful, nothing awful...just the same ole get drunk, sleep all day, waste of time.

As I wasted my day on Saturday being hung over/mentally depressed I had a revelation. I am sick of wasting my money, time and energy on alcohol. That's all it is .... alcohol. I have struggled mentally for years about this. I have tried and failed and tried again, etc.

I dropped to my knees and prayed for forgiveness and prayed for God to help me stay sober. One year. I will give it my best for one year. Work a program, whether AA, or a combination of things one year of honest trying, not just giving in, but taking ACTION! If I'm not happy after a year, then I can drink again. Though I realize that's very doubtful.

So a year, I will stay sober, I will try to be happy, and live life to the fullest. God gave me life and I don't want to waste more than I already have so here's to me!!!!

Day 2

Still alive

So I have managed to go to work Tuesday and today. I had planned to do my personal training today but had to go take an unexpected final instead. I think school is finally over for the semester and 2 days left till vacation for 2 weeks.

I talked with my sponsor last night who says unless I will committ to 90 in 90 she won't continue to sponsor me. Something about enabling me which I didn't really get but wasn't really surprised she wasn't going to continue to sponsor me. So my question is do I keep going to AA? It's not that I am personally against 90 in 90 I just don't see it being really possible. I was slipping away from work for about 30 mins to go to daily meeting but some things have come up and I can't do that anymore so that leaves out the 8:00 am and noon meetings. We have evening meetings but I can't leave my daughter every freaking night. I think I will just do as many as I can and see about getting another sponsor. Maybe it's for the best anyway.

I post on a board about my situation also and when I posted about this incident I got some pretty harsh replies. Not that they aren't true but harsh. Sick chick I was called and well, yeah, sick chick pretty much sums it up. Others saying I know what to do but don't do it. True but easier said than done for me. I'm doing the best I can do right now. I put phone numbers in my phone and pray I will have the sense to call before I drink. I really do want to be sober. Sometimes it just seems impossible...but it can't be.

I go back Friday to the psychologist. I better start a journal and find that AA workbook. Lol...

Somedays I just want to be locked in a padded room and given plenty of meds to let me sleep for a long, long, time and wake up cured. Guess that won't be happening though....

Starting over again....

So while out doing some Christmas shopping yesterday it occurred to me that it would be a good idea to stop for late lunch and margaritas. So 2 margaritas later it's time to pick up my daughter. Called her and said I wasn't feeling very good, etc... So she decided to stay at her Grandmother's. So onto another restuarant for more drinks. Had a guy friend join me at some point but then he was gone. I was talking to some other guy. Just flashes from the rest of the night. I remember 3 different bars, the police showing up at one because I obviously forgot to pay my tab at the restuarant so I got an escort to go pay it. Remember trying to unlock my door when I got home, I was so drunk I couldn't find the key or make it work or something. So I got in the car to try and sleep. Woke up at some point and could unlock the door. Went to bed, called in sick, and spent the day in bed.

Really??? I could be really hurt or really get in trouble. WHY? I can't keep doing this. It always leads to too much. Always! I have to be done or I'm gonna die. I don't wanna die. I have to go back to AA and stay away from alcohol. I've done it before and can do it again. One day at a time.

Day 1

Starting over

After my week of misery I decided to see if some wine would help me feel better. With full intention of telling NO ONE! It didn't really make me feel better and of course I made my ususal confessions.

I was surprised when telling my sponsor. She was so caring and forgiving. She said I love you and I'm not mad at you. It's what we do. I told her the 90 in 90 is not really doable given some changes at work. She told me to think about what meetings I could committ to and we can talk again tomorrow. I don't think she's no longer sponsoring me. She never really said.

I stayed in bed all day. Till 5 or so. So time to move forward. My self-allowed hibernation is over. Church tomorrow and meetings, gym etc next week. Isolating didn't help. It helped me drink but that's no help. So I have to start over, so what? At least I refuse to give up and damnit I KNOW one of these sobriety dates will be the last. I will conquer this with the help of God and AA and whatever else it takes.

Day 1

Relief

That comes from the bottle of wine, or beer, or whatever...is worth risking everything we have to have that feeling? That feeling of being ok, accepted, and content. Are we really ok, accepted or content? Do we have guilt over the manipulation we used to get us to that point of feeling ok, accepted and content?? Is it hurting others when we think it's not? Or is it just hurting ourselves? I don't know me....sober or drunk....I am a mystery to myself. I used to think my ex-boyfriend was mysterious and I liked that about him. Do I like me being mysterious? Am i bored with just me? Am i boring with just me???

2 weeks

This time 2 weeks ago I was drinking. I'm not drinking today but I'm not doing good either. I went the the psychologist today. Mostly he did background information. He encouraged me to keep a journal of my feelings which I can bring and discuss with him if I want to. He suggested to continue AA meeting and an AA workbook. I go back next Friday.

I didn't go to my usual run tonight and cancelled my training session for tomorrow afternoon. Supposed to run a 5K Saturday. Not sure if I will. I am giving myself this week and weekend to hibernate as much as I want to (or can) depending on my daughter's plans this weekend. I have one final left to take and some observation papers to complete and mail in and then I'm done with this semester of school. I have to work next week and then I go on vacation for 2 weeks.

Next week I plan to make myself function, go to my training session on Monday, go back to meetings and working on step work. I hope by then I feel better and actually like doing these things but if not I hope I can make myself. I really hate this feeling. Sad, anxious, scared., lifeless, hopeless...

So a few more days then back to reality...

Day 14

Not sure...

So I really had to count my days cause I wasn't sure...I'm trying not to focus so much on them. But it is day 13. Almost 2 weeks without a drink. I haven't been to a meeting since last Thursday. Friday I hibernated and this week I have used the work excuse, which isn't really an excuse because I do need to be at work and not be gone for an hour either in the morning or at noon. Last night I used the homework excuse. This is the last week of my semester and I did have 2 papers to write and a final to study for. I did finish one paper and finished the other this afternoon but I could have gone to the meeting. I just didn't want to. Again, I wanted to hibernate. I haven't been to the gym at all this week or done a run. I cancelled my training session on Monday afternoon due to something that happpened at work. My supervisor sent a "threatening" email, not just to me but to the staff as a whole. I hate the way she communicates and if I'm honest I am guilty of some of the things she talked about. So I felt awful. I felt mad and sad. I texted my trainer and rescheduled for Friday, which I am dreading already, and left work at 1:30 and came home and cried and took a nap. I should have gone to the gym yesterday and today but just wanted to get home and stay here.

I have been feeling anxious, depressed, not good mentally. I made an appointment with a psychologist for tomorrow at 2:00. I don't know what else to try. I've been doing AA (well not this week), taking meds prescribed by my doctor and a psychiatrist, praying, working on the steps with my sponsor, etc. So I will now try the therapy route as well. I guess maybe all this is normal when getting sober. I just don't like the way I feel. I feel fearful and don't want to leave the house, which I know is not healthy. I haven't been to meetings this week because of my anxiety or whatever it is. So hopefully this will pass quickly.

Double digits!! Again!!

Day 10. Double digits. I made it through the weekend. Friday, yes, was tough, from my previously explained adventure where God saved me. Yesterday was good, got to get up and ran and did yoga. Spent the afternoon with my daughter and then we met my parents and niece for dinner and then looked at Christmas lights. I REALLY enjoyed it. If I was drinking that wouldn't have happened. I would have been busy getting away from them to drink. Today church, store,laundry, etc....

I need to rework step one and get it over with again. I would LOVE to move to step two. So that needs to be done this week. Also last week of the school semester so gotta finish all that up and then I can have a break. YAY!!!

Guess a noon meeting tomorrow... Feeling ok this weekend. Some great moments, some awful moments, some just there and surviving moments. Waiting on the miracle and promises to come true!!

Day 10

Help for HP

I have a confession/great story from last night. So I was really wanting to drink and finally about 8:45 decided eff it and left to get a bottle of wine, cause just a few wouldn't hurt anything and no on had to know. Soooo...I walk out and close the door and IMMEDIATELY recall this vision of my house keys sitting on the table INSIDE not in my purse. So I dig around to be sure. Not keys. So I try to back dooor hoping maybe I didn't lock it. No, it's locked. Get a set of keys in my purse that I have no idea what they are for and tried them in the front and back. No luck. Try the credit card trick, tried to pry open my window, tried my knop twist lock with a paper clip. No luck...obvioulsy I was gonna have to get my extra keys from my daughter, siser, or parents. Oh did I mention I had left my phone at home cause I would be right back?

I decide to drive to grandmother's where daughter is. No one home. So to the gas station I go and ask to borrow a phone. Make it quick he says I'm not supposed to let anyone use the phone. Call daughter to see if they are almost back. No answer. Call my sister, who is quite the panicer, and try quickly to explain I need to come get my keys. So drive the 15 or so mins out then and back home. With my key. No alcohol.

I realized as soon as I shut the door and realized the keys that this was God keeping me sober. Sure I could've gone on and bought the alcohol and then dealt with the key situation but I just KNEW that it was my HP (God) and his way of helping me stay sober. Doing for me what I couldn't for myself!!!

Today I am full of gratitude for that intervention and that I didn't drink. Enjoyed a a run and yoga class this morning. A lovely afternoon of shopping this afternoon with my daughter. We then met my parents and niece, who they were keeping for the evening, for dinner and went downtown to look at Christmas lights and stopped at the new cupcake shop in town. YUMMY! And Ihad a great time, was so glad I wasn't hungover or try to figure a way out so I could drink.....

Just wanted to share how my HP saved me last night and express my gratitude!!!!
Day 9 (almost double digits again)!!

So far sober Friday

So obviously it's Friday. I have been fighting urges to drink most of the day. Weekends are so much harder. I thought about it, imagined margaritas at happy hour. Considered a bottle of wine. I really, really want to drink. I've been home since about 2:45 and been working on homework so I've been busy. I still want to drink. I'm trying to stay strong. I was supposed to go to a 6:00 meeting but didn't. I really don't feel great, sore throat and cough, and was almost scared if I got out I would go drink. I've been in bed in my pj's since getting home trying to keep myself sober. I'm thinking of tomorrow. I need to do a 6 mile run for my half marathon training and there's a 10:30 yoga class at the YMCA that I would love to go to. So if I stay in bed, go to sleep early then I will feel like getting up and running then doing yoga. My daughter also has planned for us to go to dinner tomorrow and then go look at Christmas lights. If I drink I won't feel good, probably would be able to function by dinner but would feel depressed and yucky. I know if I don't drink I can enjoy my day tomorrow. I want to enjoy my day tomorrow. I want my cravings to go away. I plan to stay right here in bed and read then go to sleep. Maybe do some step work. Step one. Again. I'm sick of step one and ready to move to step two. I almost gave in today, like really close, but I didn't and don't think I will at this point. Thank you God!!

Day 8