Waiting

I am no good at waiting. I am currently waiting to go for a drive with a friend. I expected he meant earlier. He didn't say earlier I just assumed. So now I've been ready for over an hour and just wait. I've change twice in this process.

I am really no good at waiting for anything. I have the desire for instant gratification which seems true for most alcoholics. I want to be sober 10 years now. I can't do that but often wish I could. To jump ahead and have the knowledge, the time, the security I imagine I will have.

Waiting is the journey, the learning, the growing. I need to embrace the here and now. To not expect everything now but learn patience and the ability to live in now with what I have.

I have my sobriety now. My head may be a big jumble at times and sometimes I don't know what I am even waiting on. But I am sober. Maybe as the fog clears my head will too. Maybe I will learn to accept things as they are rather than always wanting something different. Maybe I am learning that day by day more than I realize.

I guess I wait on acceptance. Acceptance of my fears, my problems, my downfalls. I tend to expect more than what I am from myself. I feel the need to be different, have a new job, have new clothes, live a busy and productive life.

Maybe I don't need to worry about these things. Maybe they will fall into place on their own.

I just need to accept me, now, as I am, and pratice patience. Sit with my feelings. And be ok.

Expectations

I find my mind too busy most of the time. I am always thinking. About doing this or that. Mostly what I "should" be doing that I'm not. I am reading 2 books by Pema Chodron, one is
" Getting Unstuck" and the other is "Taking the Leap". This is her website http://pemachodronfoundation.org/store/buy-books/ She has talked about some good stuff so far. I am trying to achieve more mindfulness, staying in the moment and dealing with my "stuckness" with alcohol and life in general.

I am signed up for a half marathon in December but have I been training? We should know that's a big fat no. I think about how I need to train and how I should run but don't. I realized yesterday I don't have to feel like it I just need to do it. I read another book where the runner repeated "I choose to run" so this morning I choose to run, at least a little to start.

I am not happy in my job but do have an interview this afternoon and have made some recent efforts to apply different places so I am working on that.

I need to write down my endless list of what I feel like I should be doing and mark it off as I go. I think I would be happier if I ran everyday, ate right, did this or did that. I don't know if I would be or not but isn't that alcohol thinking??? All or nothing.

So today I will try to relieve myself of "should" and focus on the moment. What I am doing.

Still going

I have made it 32 days today. It felt good to celebrate 30 days! I still feel good, wonder if it's the pink cloud. I've had that before but if it is then I will take it. I'm trying to branch out, get new routines and do new and different things to grow in my sober life. I want to get a regular yoga routine going and have found some meditation classes I am excited about starting.

I need to work a recovery program I feel, right now I'm not besides what I do myself. I am very involved in an online group but maybe something face to face. AA I have done but honestly it seems so all consuming that I haven't gone back lately. I may try to go to some meetings. I want to protect my sobriety but not have that be my entire life. As I type this I realize...maybe it needs to be my entire life right now...something for me to consider...

Peace

I'm on day 16 now. I am on antabuse and it is really helping me. The mental obession has been lifted becaus if I drink I will be violently ill. Don't want that. So I have been relieved of the obession for now. As always the mental obession gets me. I am living life again. I love it.