Anger

Warning. This post is full of anger and resentment.

Sometime I just want to post on every fucking thing on facebook in anger. I don't care. Shut the fuck up. Why is your life good. Why the fuck am I not in a relationship. NOBODY CARES,

But I guess I care because it makes me so fucking angry.

My depression is back. Along with anxiety. And some anger mixed in. Wouldn't you love to be me right now?

Underlying sadness, combined with non stop tension in my neck and shoulders. And the creeping in of suicidal thoughts...just barely there but I can here them....

Anxiety and depression

Well my anxiety and depression are back somewhat. The depression is not as bad. The anxiety is bad at certain times of the day. Early morning and afternoon and evenings when I'm home. I find this strange because I want to be home.

I love being home but when I get up it's there. I go to work and it's better. Maybe because I'm busy. As soon as I get in the car to drive home I feel it again. I don't know what causes it. I am sober about 52 days I think. Maybe its the time of year. Maybe its the time change. I don't know. Obviously I wish I knew so I could do something about it.

In the meantime I am just trying to do as little as possible in the way of stressful things. I do what has to be done at home and try to relax. I am doing meditation. I need to do yoga again and exercise. I feel these would probably help but I'm not doing them.

Why don't I make myself do them? That's where the depression comes in. I find it hard to do much of anything when I'm depressed. All small tasks seem overwhelming to consider doing. Including simply showering, doing laundry, and anything else. I am filled with a sense of dread when thinking of these actions. I make myself do them because they have to be done. And when they are over it's not so bad. But the feeling in my stomach is hard, the knot, the fear, the anxiety is intense. Such is my life today.

But this too shall pass.
 

Perfectionism

I have recently recognized some in myself. So funny because I would have NEVER thought that about myself but I do seem some now. I always have that huge list of what I should be doing. Frequently I don't do a thing on it because it's overwhelming. Then I go to the other extreme. Doing nothing.

I'm not sure how to deal with this. I am trying to focus on one or two things daily. I can get something done when I obviously can't get it all done.

I don't have to be perfect. In fact I never will be. I have to remind myself it's ok. I don't have to be involved in every social event, I don't have to lose 20 pounds today, or do yoga daily, or exercise everyday, or quit smoking today, I don't have to run a half marathon, or clean my house, or complete a semester of work today. I have to stay sober today and hopefully complete a few items on my to-do list. But if I don't complete them the world will not end. I will be ok.