New Year's Eve

Actually I have not drank on new year's eve numerous times. It isn't safe to be out and about and I have stayed home over the past few years. Since 2008 I have written a reflection of my year month by month and my goals for the new year. Of course they all involved alcohol. The good, the bad and the goals. I drank this month, I didn't drink this month. Depression has also been a very noticable problem. Felt depressed, felt ok. Some months I just draw a blank about how it was. I can remember if I was drinking or not usually. But not always a lot of details. Unless maybe I think harder and really try to remember. I think I will do that.

So as I read and wrote this year I saw no changes. The same problems over and over. Alcohol. Depression. Related? I don't know, but I do know alcohol makes the depression worse. I wrote last December 17 my surrender to alcohol. That lasted until early January. I did have 105 days of sobriety in 2011. I can't recall alot of details about that time off the top of my head.

I wrote only one goal for 2012: Stay sober, if I can do this the rest will fall into place.

I am at home alone but feeling ok. Not really down today. Thank you God. Somewhat thinking about alcohol but knowing it's not the answer. I can't keep the cycle going and waste another year. I'm obviously not happy drinking so time to try and be happy without drinking. It's hard. It's a change. I don't like change much.

I had a few invitations for tonight. Some included alcohol. One didn't. I'm not attending the alcohol related events for sure. The non-alcohol event? I don't know. I'm pretty comfy here at home....

Day 15

Some better

Well today was a bit better. I don't feel as down and depressed. I went for a run downtown. I took a shower. I feel more human and able to live life. Less fear.

Of course it's new years weekend. I have kinda a craving to drink, but not really. Just I am alone tonight and probably most of tomorrow and tomorrow night. It just seems something to fill the time at this point. But I'm not drinking. I want to feel better and I know the depression that follows drinking and don't know that I could survive that right now. Just seeing some light at the end of the tunnel of this week and have to go back to work and life next week. I could go to my sister's. I could invite someone to hike with me tomorrow. I should go to a meeting.

I won't drink though.

Day 14

Nothing new

No change. Lunch with my parents. Came home and laid down and cried. Just cried. I felt so sad. I wrote in my journal at the time. I'm full of emptyness. No plans for the weekend so I may try to stay home, hibernate some more.

I have to go back to work Tuesday. I have to do a boot camp my sister signed me up to do with her. I agreed. She paid. I have to go. It starts on Monday.

I need to take a shower. I need to get over this funk. Leaving the house sounds horrific.

No desire to drink.

Day 13

Still sad

Sadness is still creeping around me. I'm trying to stay in the moment. I wrote in my journal last night and this afternoon when feeling sad so maybe it will help me piece together my puzzle.

I was supposed to have a training session at 2:00 this afternoon. I cancelled it. I just wanted to stay home and sleep. I slept for 2 hours. Then read some of Mindfulness and the 12 steps. I have that and Budda's way through the 12 steps on my kindle and the women's way through the 12 steps book. I'm working on reading each step in each book. But I feel like I need a sponsor to work the steps with? Or maybe I can just do them? I haven't been to any meetings this week. Maybe Friday night if my daughter isn't home.

I feel a sense of hopelessness, sadness, no joy in my life, or nothing that I'm even looking forward to. Just a blanket of fear and sadness right now. I'm not tearful. Just empty. The void I used to fill with alcohol is empty and I feel it's emptiness. I am feeling like hibernating again. Just staying in the safety of my house. Like I did this afternoon. I know it's not good for me to do that but sometimes I just give in to it. Not really craving alcohol. That's good.

Day 12

Fear

Today was my appointment with Dr. C. I woke up feeling good, happy and all. Took the kids to lunch and my daughter notices an older man sitting next to us by himself. She said it was sad. I tried to comfort her by saying well he probably has family at home, etc. But the truth was it made me sad too. And the sadness stuck through the afternoon.

 I came home and took a brief nap. Then went to see Dr. C. I told him about feeling sad. I kept saying I don't know why. Of course from last week we then reviewed that I probably do know but am blocking, don't want to talk about it, etc. So we get on the topic of lonely. I start crying. Yes, a fear of mine is being lonely. I already dread my daughter going to college and that's 3 years away. So we concluded yes, I am lonely and I am fearful of being alone long term. My life is dull (his word) and I filled the void with alcohol. Agreed. So I ask what do I do about that? Well, that's where I have to stop saying I don't know and identify. He asked if felt like I had made mistakes that I regretted with my marriage, relationships, etc that I blame myself for. No, I really don't think so. The only major regret I have is drinking to the point I'm at now. We talked about the AA workbook and journaling again. I just ordered the workbook online and will make an effort to journal (writing, not just blogging) about my feelings this week. Maybe then we can get to the bottom of this issue?? WTF I don't even know why I have that fear? I felt great last week mostly. After the appointment I went and worked out and came home. I feel ok now. Not as sad.

We'll see what tomorrow holds....day 11

Still breathing

So I did survive last night. I would have pulled someone's eyeballs out for a drink but I didn't give in. After a couple of hours then I somewhat settled down and did go to bed early. I was able to wake up and go to the gym for my training session then go to lunch and shopping with friends from out of town. Had I drank I would have definitely skipped that because it was cold and raining here all day. Instead I got to enjoy my friends and my day, so grateful I made it through. I hope that can help me next time the cravings hit to remember making it and being glad.

Home tonight with kiddos and feeling pretty good. I need to go to a meeting soon. I guess I need to look for a new sponsor because I need and want to work the steps. I loved my other sponsor. I just won't commit to 90 in 90 right now....sigh....

Anyway, now to make it through New Years!!

DOUBLE DIGITS DAY 10

Fa La La

Well the Christmas fun is over and I would KILL for a drink. Here are the cravings I so stupidly wished for. Good thing is no alcohol is available. No liquor sells on Sunday, very few resturants open. STRONGLY considered a local hotel bar because surely they are open? I want a effing bottle of wine and I know it would end ugly. I didn't go. I came home. Put on my pj's. I still want the fucking drink. Breathing, praying, don't know if there are any meetings today and if I leave the house to find out I may end up at the bar. So makeup washed off and pj's on help to hinder that thought. I started reading the woman's way through the twelve steps, I don't have a sponsor to call anymore, I could call someone else but I'd still want a fucking drink so I don't know what that would help. 

The day was good but tonight sucks. SUCKS!!! Bedtime for me soon. No I don't care that it's not even 7:00 pm yet.


Fucking day 9 and I usually don't cuss so please excuse that....

Sober Christmas Eve

It has been a good day. I got up and ran 7.25 miles. Yoga was cancelled due to Christmas Eve. My lovely daughter wanted to come home for a bit so we showered and decided to start a new pizza lunch Christmas Eve tradition!! It was delicious! Home for a nap, took her back to grandmother's and went to Christmas Eve service. Came home and finally finished wrapping gifts. Now just waiting till time to pick her back up.

Some thoughts of drinks did pop in my head when taking her back to grandma's and during service...like hmmm after this I could go have a drink, maybe some wine. No I thought and didn't dwell on it. Don't want anything at all now. It wasn't a bad craving, just a passing thought.

I can remember drinking on Christmas Eve's in the past. Stalling to go pick up my daughter cause I was out drinking, probably picked her up smelling of booze and cigarettes. Lovely. Glad that's in the past. Looking forward to the day at my sister's tomorrow.

I wish you all a sober and happy holiday!

Day 8

Not so bad...

Well...I made it fine, after I was left alone I napped, had dinner with my sister, went to a 6:00 meeting, and home in my pj's with some hot tea.

Funny cravings never hit...hmmm

Early run tomorrow, yoga and maybe a meeting....

Thank you God for day 7!!!!

Friday

Typically Friday is a difficult day for me. It's early, just 9:20 am and so far I'm fine. I have my daughter and her friend still alseep and I'm just hanging out right now. Thinking about going for a run and then yoga at 10:45. Things will be fine for now. My daughter will go to work at 2:00. Then she will spend the night at her grandmothers and will possiblily be home for a few hours tomorrow afternoon but will go back for Christmas Eve till about 9:00 pm ish. If I think too hard that's a lot of free time. I have been aware of this free time for a few days and keep thinking I need a plan. I have a 6:00 meeting I should go to. Will I? Not sure. I have some gifts to wrap. I could go to my sisters. I don't feel like drinking right now. At all really. I pray it will last. I have felt strong all week and pray that I will continue to. If it gets hard, as I know it will soon, it will be a chance to take action and not give in. In a sick way I almost want that craving so I can face it and not drink and take action and feel stronger in my ability too. So I will see how my day goes but I will not drink.

Day 7

Nothing new...

Well today was fairly uneventful...kinda...made Christmas cookies with my daughter and niece, had a personal training session that was hard!! Gonna probably be sore tomorrow...little laundry, cooked dinner, read and watched some tv. Just hanging out with my daughter...So good but not terribly exciting!!

I did notice my mood was kinda low during some points today. I tried to pinpoint a reason but couldn't. I prayed and I guess it passed cause I feel pretty ok now...

I didn't take my Clonazepam lasting night cause Dr. C. said it was an opiate and would increase alcohol craving. I think it really is supposed to be a temporary thing. My regular doctor told me he would prescribe it but only on a monthly basis. So I slept fine, not sure if that had anything to do with my mood today.

So we will see what tomorrow holds. No big plans, just to run, maybe other than that I'll stay home in my pj's. I heart vacations!!! And also I heart that I haven't had any cravings to drink or smoke and am on day 5!!!!

Moving on up...

So I went to see Dr. C. today. I shall share the wisdom of our session as best I can remember it. I caught him up to date on my drinking, my loss of sponsor and my committment to a year of soberiety. He continues to feel I need AA. I haven't been back. I'm not opposed really, and probably will go back. But I still don't see me doing 90 in 90. Dr. C. says that just shows committment to wanting to stay sober. He talked today with me about feelings, awareness of my feelings, and learning to retrain my thinking. Interesting stuff...

Past essentially consists of guilt, shame, regret, and embarrassment. Guilt is not a real feeling. It is self-imposed. No one can make you feel guily but yourself. Guilt is usually brought about by feelings of shame or regret of something you have done.

The future consists of fear, anxiety, and a couple of others I forgot but he said we would review. We are only born with two fears..fear of falling and fear of loud noises. All other fears are learned.

When we answer "I don't know" it's not true, it means we don't want to think about it, we may be blocking it, may just not want to deal with it but really yes, we know.

When we say "I can't" it's not true, it means we won't, won't make the effort, don't want to, or whatever but yes, we can.

Like the 90 in 90, yes I can make it happen somehow...now do I want to go the trouble to make it happen? Not right now, I may find it necessary at some time but right now I am choosing not to do 90 in 90. I am also choosing not to drink, which I think is entirely possible without 90 in 90, maybe I'm wrong but that is what I feel right now.

So I am supposed to try and be aware of my thoughts and try to make them positive rather than negative and try to retrain my thinking. Ok I can try that.

I have been keeping a journal off and on since June 2009. It is a repeated cycle. Last December 17, 2010 I wrote a pledge to surrender drinking. Obviously didn't but AGAIN on December 17, 2011 I did. I read through my journal last night and found that quite interesting. Same place a year later. Hopefully this year turns out differently.

I had a good day again. Here's my list of good stuff I did today (as previously recommended by my sponsor but haven't been doing lately)

1. Didn't drink or smoke
2. Saw Dr. C.
3. Ran 3 miles
4. Spent some time with family
5. Am enjoying an evening with my daughter
6. Tried to stay positive and was mostly successful

Happy Soberiety to everyone!!

Day 4

Good day!!!

Today was good. I won $50 on the Victoria's Secret secret reward card, the store replaced the broken glass in a frame for free, we found a Christmas gift that we didn't expect too, someone bought me lunch, I spent time with my daughter, got an upgrade on my cell phone (which actually caused some frustration in trying to learn how to use it), I had a nap, I went to my personal training session, went grocery shopping, had a sushi dinner with my sis and fam and then looked at Christmas lights!! Yes indeed a good day. I felt good. I tried to remain positive during some trying times and mostly succeeded. I called to reschedule my psych appointment that I cancelled Friday to drink. Going tomorrow at 4:00. I haven't really had a desire to drink and haven't smoked since Friday. I'm on vacation and am getting an opportunity to refocus. This is the year of reformation, this is day 3. They won't all be this good but they will be step in the right direction!!

Living life!

So Friday I drank, nothing wonderful, nothing awful...just the same ole get drunk, sleep all day, waste of time.

As I wasted my day on Saturday being hung over/mentally depressed I had a revelation. I am sick of wasting my money, time and energy on alcohol. That's all it is .... alcohol. I have struggled mentally for years about this. I have tried and failed and tried again, etc.

I dropped to my knees and prayed for forgiveness and prayed for God to help me stay sober. One year. I will give it my best for one year. Work a program, whether AA, or a combination of things one year of honest trying, not just giving in, but taking ACTION! If I'm not happy after a year, then I can drink again. Though I realize that's very doubtful.

So a year, I will stay sober, I will try to be happy, and live life to the fullest. God gave me life and I don't want to waste more than I already have so here's to me!!!!

Day 2

Still alive

So I have managed to go to work Tuesday and today. I had planned to do my personal training today but had to go take an unexpected final instead. I think school is finally over for the semester and 2 days left till vacation for 2 weeks.

I talked with my sponsor last night who says unless I will committ to 90 in 90 she won't continue to sponsor me. Something about enabling me which I didn't really get but wasn't really surprised she wasn't going to continue to sponsor me. So my question is do I keep going to AA? It's not that I am personally against 90 in 90 I just don't see it being really possible. I was slipping away from work for about 30 mins to go to daily meeting but some things have come up and I can't do that anymore so that leaves out the 8:00 am and noon meetings. We have evening meetings but I can't leave my daughter every freaking night. I think I will just do as many as I can and see about getting another sponsor. Maybe it's for the best anyway.

I post on a board about my situation also and when I posted about this incident I got some pretty harsh replies. Not that they aren't true but harsh. Sick chick I was called and well, yeah, sick chick pretty much sums it up. Others saying I know what to do but don't do it. True but easier said than done for me. I'm doing the best I can do right now. I put phone numbers in my phone and pray I will have the sense to call before I drink. I really do want to be sober. Sometimes it just seems impossible...but it can't be.

I go back Friday to the psychologist. I better start a journal and find that AA workbook. Lol...

Somedays I just want to be locked in a padded room and given plenty of meds to let me sleep for a long, long, time and wake up cured. Guess that won't be happening though....

Starting over again....

So while out doing some Christmas shopping yesterday it occurred to me that it would be a good idea to stop for late lunch and margaritas. So 2 margaritas later it's time to pick up my daughter. Called her and said I wasn't feeling very good, etc... So she decided to stay at her Grandmother's. So onto another restuarant for more drinks. Had a guy friend join me at some point but then he was gone. I was talking to some other guy. Just flashes from the rest of the night. I remember 3 different bars, the police showing up at one because I obviously forgot to pay my tab at the restuarant so I got an escort to go pay it. Remember trying to unlock my door when I got home, I was so drunk I couldn't find the key or make it work or something. So I got in the car to try and sleep. Woke up at some point and could unlock the door. Went to bed, called in sick, and spent the day in bed.

Really??? I could be really hurt or really get in trouble. WHY? I can't keep doing this. It always leads to too much. Always! I have to be done or I'm gonna die. I don't wanna die. I have to go back to AA and stay away from alcohol. I've done it before and can do it again. One day at a time.

Day 1

Starting over

After my week of misery I decided to see if some wine would help me feel better. With full intention of telling NO ONE! It didn't really make me feel better and of course I made my ususal confessions.

I was surprised when telling my sponsor. She was so caring and forgiving. She said I love you and I'm not mad at you. It's what we do. I told her the 90 in 90 is not really doable given some changes at work. She told me to think about what meetings I could committ to and we can talk again tomorrow. I don't think she's no longer sponsoring me. She never really said.

I stayed in bed all day. Till 5 or so. So time to move forward. My self-allowed hibernation is over. Church tomorrow and meetings, gym etc next week. Isolating didn't help. It helped me drink but that's no help. So I have to start over, so what? At least I refuse to give up and damnit I KNOW one of these sobriety dates will be the last. I will conquer this with the help of God and AA and whatever else it takes.

Day 1

Relief

That comes from the bottle of wine, or beer, or whatever...is worth risking everything we have to have that feeling? That feeling of being ok, accepted, and content. Are we really ok, accepted or content? Do we have guilt over the manipulation we used to get us to that point of feeling ok, accepted and content?? Is it hurting others when we think it's not? Or is it just hurting ourselves? I don't know me....sober or drunk....I am a mystery to myself. I used to think my ex-boyfriend was mysterious and I liked that about him. Do I like me being mysterious? Am i bored with just me? Am i boring with just me???

2 weeks

This time 2 weeks ago I was drinking. I'm not drinking today but I'm not doing good either. I went the the psychologist today. Mostly he did background information. He encouraged me to keep a journal of my feelings which I can bring and discuss with him if I want to. He suggested to continue AA meeting and an AA workbook. I go back next Friday.

I didn't go to my usual run tonight and cancelled my training session for tomorrow afternoon. Supposed to run a 5K Saturday. Not sure if I will. I am giving myself this week and weekend to hibernate as much as I want to (or can) depending on my daughter's plans this weekend. I have one final left to take and some observation papers to complete and mail in and then I'm done with this semester of school. I have to work next week and then I go on vacation for 2 weeks.

Next week I plan to make myself function, go to my training session on Monday, go back to meetings and working on step work. I hope by then I feel better and actually like doing these things but if not I hope I can make myself. I really hate this feeling. Sad, anxious, scared., lifeless, hopeless...

So a few more days then back to reality...

Day 14

Not sure...

So I really had to count my days cause I wasn't sure...I'm trying not to focus so much on them. But it is day 13. Almost 2 weeks without a drink. I haven't been to a meeting since last Thursday. Friday I hibernated and this week I have used the work excuse, which isn't really an excuse because I do need to be at work and not be gone for an hour either in the morning or at noon. Last night I used the homework excuse. This is the last week of my semester and I did have 2 papers to write and a final to study for. I did finish one paper and finished the other this afternoon but I could have gone to the meeting. I just didn't want to. Again, I wanted to hibernate. I haven't been to the gym at all this week or done a run. I cancelled my training session on Monday afternoon due to something that happpened at work. My supervisor sent a "threatening" email, not just to me but to the staff as a whole. I hate the way she communicates and if I'm honest I am guilty of some of the things she talked about. So I felt awful. I felt mad and sad. I texted my trainer and rescheduled for Friday, which I am dreading already, and left work at 1:30 and came home and cried and took a nap. I should have gone to the gym yesterday and today but just wanted to get home and stay here.

I have been feeling anxious, depressed, not good mentally. I made an appointment with a psychologist for tomorrow at 2:00. I don't know what else to try. I've been doing AA (well not this week), taking meds prescribed by my doctor and a psychiatrist, praying, working on the steps with my sponsor, etc. So I will now try the therapy route as well. I guess maybe all this is normal when getting sober. I just don't like the way I feel. I feel fearful and don't want to leave the house, which I know is not healthy. I haven't been to meetings this week because of my anxiety or whatever it is. So hopefully this will pass quickly.

Double digits!! Again!!

Day 10. Double digits. I made it through the weekend. Friday, yes, was tough, from my previously explained adventure where God saved me. Yesterday was good, got to get up and ran and did yoga. Spent the afternoon with my daughter and then we met my parents and niece for dinner and then looked at Christmas lights. I REALLY enjoyed it. If I was drinking that wouldn't have happened. I would have been busy getting away from them to drink. Today church, store,laundry, etc....

I need to rework step one and get it over with again. I would LOVE to move to step two. So that needs to be done this week. Also last week of the school semester so gotta finish all that up and then I can have a break. YAY!!!

Guess a noon meeting tomorrow... Feeling ok this weekend. Some great moments, some awful moments, some just there and surviving moments. Waiting on the miracle and promises to come true!!

Day 10

Help for HP

I have a confession/great story from last night. So I was really wanting to drink and finally about 8:45 decided eff it and left to get a bottle of wine, cause just a few wouldn't hurt anything and no on had to know. Soooo...I walk out and close the door and IMMEDIATELY recall this vision of my house keys sitting on the table INSIDE not in my purse. So I dig around to be sure. Not keys. So I try to back dooor hoping maybe I didn't lock it. No, it's locked. Get a set of keys in my purse that I have no idea what they are for and tried them in the front and back. No luck. Try the credit card trick, tried to pry open my window, tried my knop twist lock with a paper clip. No luck...obvioulsy I was gonna have to get my extra keys from my daughter, siser, or parents. Oh did I mention I had left my phone at home cause I would be right back?

I decide to drive to grandmother's where daughter is. No one home. So to the gas station I go and ask to borrow a phone. Make it quick he says I'm not supposed to let anyone use the phone. Call daughter to see if they are almost back. No answer. Call my sister, who is quite the panicer, and try quickly to explain I need to come get my keys. So drive the 15 or so mins out then and back home. With my key. No alcohol.

I realized as soon as I shut the door and realized the keys that this was God keeping me sober. Sure I could've gone on and bought the alcohol and then dealt with the key situation but I just KNEW that it was my HP (God) and his way of helping me stay sober. Doing for me what I couldn't for myself!!!

Today I am full of gratitude for that intervention and that I didn't drink. Enjoyed a a run and yoga class this morning. A lovely afternoon of shopping this afternoon with my daughter. We then met my parents and niece, who they were keeping for the evening, for dinner and went downtown to look at Christmas lights and stopped at the new cupcake shop in town. YUMMY! And Ihad a great time, was so glad I wasn't hungover or try to figure a way out so I could drink.....

Just wanted to share how my HP saved me last night and express my gratitude!!!!
Day 9 (almost double digits again)!!

So far sober Friday

So obviously it's Friday. I have been fighting urges to drink most of the day. Weekends are so much harder. I thought about it, imagined margaritas at happy hour. Considered a bottle of wine. I really, really want to drink. I've been home since about 2:45 and been working on homework so I've been busy. I still want to drink. I'm trying to stay strong. I was supposed to go to a 6:00 meeting but didn't. I really don't feel great, sore throat and cough, and was almost scared if I got out I would go drink. I've been in bed in my pj's since getting home trying to keep myself sober. I'm thinking of tomorrow. I need to do a 6 mile run for my half marathon training and there's a 10:30 yoga class at the YMCA that I would love to go to. So if I stay in bed, go to sleep early then I will feel like getting up and running then doing yoga. My daughter also has planned for us to go to dinner tomorrow and then go look at Christmas lights. If I drink I won't feel good, probably would be able to function by dinner but would feel depressed and yucky. I know if I don't drink I can enjoy my day tomorrow. I want to enjoy my day tomorrow. I want my cravings to go away. I plan to stay right here in bed and read then go to sleep. Maybe do some step work. Step one. Again. I'm sick of step one and ready to move to step two. I almost gave in today, like really close, but I didn't and don't think I will at this point. Thank you God!!

Day 8

Making it

It's been a busy week but good surprisingly. I went back to work and have been busy, worked out or ran after work all week and have been to a meeting every day! So far my mood has been pretty good. Some moments of sadness but they have passed quickly. Almost a week of sobriety again. Weekend won't get me this time!!!

I do find myself in a tricky situation involving a man. One who had asked me out, I said yes but cancelled, then went back to sobriety. So the other day while drinking I texted him. And now he's asking me out again. I keep making excuses but in reality I know I shouldn't get involved with anyone right now because I need to concentrate on my sobriety. I feel like I've led him on now so am trying to decide how to explain. My sponsor also recommended against it. Maybe just tell him I'm an alcoholic and can't date right now? That oughta scare him away. LOL!!

That's all for now.....gotta go visit with my daughter!

Day 6

Sunday night blues

I don't like Sunday's. I find them depressing. The weekend is over. In this case the vacation is over. Back to work. Back to meetings. I'm trying to have a good attitude about work. I have to remember I'm lucky to have a job. I'm considering going to the noon meeting rather than the 8:00 meeting. Why? I don't know. Because I don't want to have to say I relapsed? Maybe another would be more helpful? I could go to work earlier but then leave for "lunch". It's probably doable. Not sure which would effect my job the most because I have to be consious of reaching my goals. That's not negotionable. So praying for some guidance there.

The Sunday blues are probably partly from the drinking and the depression cycle. I hope it passes quickly. I will go to work tomorrow, go to a meeting, go to the gym..life goes on. I have to make the most of it.

I'd looked into getting some therapy a while back. I can't remember but seemed kind of pricey but I think I'm going to check on it again. I think I could benefit from some therapy if I can afford it. Maybe help me deciper some of my issues that I don't even know I have...

Today's Accomplishments
1. Stayed sober
2. Went to church
3. Did laundry
4. Did some school work
5. Called my sponosor and talked to her about feeling down

So I have nothing else to share at this time. Here's hoping for a more cheerful, happy mood soon....

Day 3

Saturday Evening Edition

So I talked to my sponsor last night and she agreed to keep me as a sponsee. I was happy about this. She said we had to have a plan for the next time I wanted to drink. So the plan is to call her. I pray I can do this. The problem being I don't call her because I know she will talk me out of it but I don't want her to at the time.

So next time, I call. If I don't call and drink I will most likely lose her as a sponsor and I don't want to do that. I want to be sober. Today I feel depressed, yuck, blah....nothing unusal. I did what I needed to though...

Back to my list of accomplishments:
1. Stayed sober
2. Ran my 6 miles on my training schedule, even on the treadmill cause it was raining all day
3. Made a plan with my sponsor
4. Spent time with my daughter
5. Decorated for Christmas, even though I totally wasn't into it my daughter wanted to
6. Had dinner out with my sis and fam, even though I wanted to stay home.

Back to work next week, back to regularly schuduled meetings, back to real life. Real life sucks....

Church tomorrow, even though I don't want to go, I will. I want to hide in my house for a long time. I don't like these feelings but I will have to sit through them cause I brought them on and I have no other choice...

Day 2

Day 1 Once More

Yes I do regret drinking but can't take it back so onward and forward. I told my sponsor. She has to talk to her sponsor because she told me that if I drank again she would have to drop me. I told her I really, really didn't want to lose her and would be very sad but would understand. She said she doesn't want to drop me but has to talk to her sponsor.

I told my sister. I confessed yet again. Too bad I can't lie better. Lol. Just kidding. Kinda.

Now I have to figure out how to restart my sobriety counter.

drinking

yes i didn't make it. i took a nap, it prayed, etc....i went to the gas station and bought beer. the wine they had sucked. i only drink white and they only had moscati or some sweet shit i didn't want .... so beer it was or is....10th now.... i will know doubt regret this in the morning but right now.... after dropping my daughter off for the night and the nap not working i could not convince myself otherwise. i said i wouldn't tell anyone...yet i posted on BFB .... my sponsor will probably drop me.....i just don't know....

And now??

Thanksgiving feast at my sisters house went great. I ate lots of good food, played with my niece, visited with family and enjoyed the day.

After that I had to take my daughter to her dads side of the family to celebrate.

I had cravings to drink all morning, they subsided at lunch, came back when I dropped her off. I came home and took a nap. Cravings are still here.

My mind says why not? No one is here, no one has to know. I would know. God would know. I want to be sober. But at times like this....not so much.

Please Lord help me through the rest of this day.

Dayy 33

Better today

So after all my dread my step one work was not all that bad. My sponsor called and said ok so you still want to meet? I said well if you want to, I'm actually kinda dreading it. Get your ass over here and lets do this she said. Ok I said. And I went.

I read her what I had written and we talked about the Big Book and 12 and 12 chapters pertaining to step one. I talked to her about my dread of the afternoon. She said it's normal when we have to open up about ourselves. Hmmm. Who knew? So I asked her if I passed step one and she said yes! Onto step two. I think that will be shorter and easier because I really think I already do believe a power greater than myself can restore me to sanity but I will have to read the chapters, etc...

The meeting after was good. A lady got her 43 year chip. Hard to imagine 43 years sober. I'm not even 43 years old and 30 days was a big milestone for me. But apparently it can be done. Inspiring.

So tomorrow is Thanksgiving. My family doesn't drink so that will be fine. After may or may not be a challege. Still don't know if alcohol is even sold here on Thanksgiving but doesn't matter cause I won't be drinking.

Last year on Thanksgiving I was a couple of weeks sober and had pre-sober planned a get together at my house with friends to eat and check out black Friday ads, etc. Well I became convinced (after stressing all week about whether I should or shouldn't) on Wednesday I would not be able to not drink because everyone else would be and so I bought beer and wine. After Thanksgiving dinner at my house and the family went home I took a nap. When I woke up out came the beer. Turns out not everyone drank. One friend nursed a glass of wine all evening, someone brought a couple of beers, a couple???, and someone had maybe one cup of coffee with some Baileys. One??? The other 3 or 4 guests did not drink. Needless to say I was the big drinker of the the evening. Very shocking I know....

Well this year I have 32 days (33 tomorrow) of sobriety and no get together and no drinking will be done and I am VERY THANKFUL for that!!!

I wish you all, well not like that many people are reading this but still, a very happy and sober Thanksgiving.

Day 32

???

Today has been different than yesterday. I stayed home and cleaned house. I have to meet with my sponsor in a little while before the 6:00 meeting to go over step one ... again ... I did step one a couple of times when I was in AA in the spring.

I feel down, not happy, no reason not to be but I'm not. I just feel depressed. I started feeling more so as the day has gone on. I don't want to go talk about step one or go to the meeting. I want to hide in my house in my pj's. I closed all the blinds earlier this afternoon and sat in the semi-darkness half napping and praying the feeling would go away.

I'm dressed and waiting for her to call but with all my heart I wish something would happen and she would cancel. I don't know why I feel this dread. That's what it is .... dread. Just as I'm typing I was able to name the feeling. Dread. Why do I dread this? Why after having been feeling pretty good, happy yesterday, do I totally dread tonight? Why do I want to go into hiding again? I've felt like hiding at home many times and have many times but not in a while.

I'm scared. And I don't want to do this. But I will. With the dread and fear. And hope it's goes away because I do not like these feelings one bit.

Day 31

Guess what???

I have achieved 30 days of sobriety!!!! All in a row!!!!!!! It has been since June that I have done this. Prior to June I had 105 days and then have been having a rough time since them but I did it!!! 30 DAYS!!!

Funny thing it means more this time than last time because it was SO much harder this time and I had to do more work to make it happen so it makes it more special.

I'm on vacation this week and as I said had planned to go to my 8:00 AM meeting anyway to get my chip. Well I woke up early about 6ish and it was pouring rain so I thought ... Never mind I'll just sleep in and go to a noon meeting... Well I woke back up at 7:40 and thought NO! This meeting means something to me, I go at least 3 mornings a week and I want to get my chip there so I threw on some sweats and went. I was so glad I did. It just meant so much to get it this time. I was happy all day even though I had to run errands in the rain all day I was still happy.

I did it by going to the meeting, yes almost everyday, apparently what I needed to stay sober, praying, doing my daily reading my sponsor says, calling her daily, and when the craving hit I prayed, kept busy or took a nap. Naps work so well for me....one I love napping and two usually when I wake up the cravings have passed. Also by going to the doctor and getting my meds straightened out. That helped my mental state tremendously.

Sobriety is sooooo much better than drinking, definitely not easy, but better!!!!

DAY 30!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11

Almost 30 days

So today is day 29. Tomorrow will be 30 days with no alcohol. 4 weekends with no alcohol. I've made it this far before but not since June. I will go to my 8:00 meeting and get my 30 day chip tomorrow morning. I feel good about making it this far.

From Feb to June I had 105 days then after relapsing haven't got much more than a week or two at a time. So 30 days seems like a long time.

I will have to say how I did it when I get my chip....I did it by going to meetings almost everyday, by praying and calling my sponsor and when craving hit I took a nap (lol but usually always true). I thought about being more happy when I'm sober. That will be my speech I guess because that's what I did!

So vacation this week and Thanksgiving. Vacation always makes me want to drink so I've been having cravings this weekend and probably will next week during slow times. Luckily my family doesn't drink so actual Thanksgiving day won't be a problem. But after lunch my daughter will go to her dad's side of the family and spend the night. Do they sell alcohol here on Thanksgiving? I don't know. I hope not. I won't buy it before but may be very tempted after she's gone. I need to work on a plan. Maybe just stay at my sister's for the night. I don't know...

I'm trying to focus on one day at a time and not project to the future. I did run a 10K yesterday, one that I have registered for numerous times, ran once, and not gone numerous times due to a hangover. So just actually going was great. I also had lunch with friends, only one of whom had a beer. I had dinner with a friend, who had a margarita, she drank 1/2 of it...1/2???? WTF???? I never drank 1/2 a drink. I really wasn't tempted during those time. So good weekend overall.

Day 29

Ok...

Ok day, off work but had some school observations I had to do this morning.

When I got done, I was really craving a drink. I prayed for the obsession to be lifted. I was feeling lonely so I texted a couple of friends to see if they wanted to have lunch but they couldn't. So I did what I do best when feeling down.....took a nap.

Craving were prett much gone after that so made it through. I think it's the fact that I'm off work that triggered the desire....

One day at a time....

Day 26

Character Defect?

Today was another blah-ish day. Started ok. Went to my morning meeting. Went to work. Was supposed to meet with my supervior about a particular goal I was supposed to meet that I didn't. She showed up about 2 rather than 9:30 as planned due to a conflict. So anyway I gave what I felt like were my valid reasons for not making it. This is the first time in 10 years I haven't made it. I was at 92%. She didn't seem to think my reasons were valid. I got defensive I guess. She told me I didn't ever seem willing to go over and beyond to make it happen. She made me feel like I wasn't doing a good job. Truth is I don't take critisim well. Never have. So if I don't make the goal next quarter they cut my pay. That can't happen. So I guess I will "go over and beyond" to make sure I make the goal.

I hate that when someone corrects me I feel so bad, defensive. I had planned to try and really not become defensive but I did anyway. She didn't say what I "thought " she should maybe? Maybe because deep down I think if I hadn't called in "sick" aka hungover then maybe I would have made the goal. The first time in 10 years. Also the worse my alcoholism had been. I didn't miss a ton of work but a few days, yes....I could have worked harder some days but I'm burned out at my job. I'm sick of it and don't want to go but have no choice.

So I cried and had a pity party, took a nap, talked to my sponsor and will move on. Thought about drinking but really that would only make me feel worse and I didn't even really want to. I just wanted to feel sorry for myself so I did for a bit. I'm on vacation until after Thanksgiving and will use this time to regroup and pray for a better attitude about my job. Then go back and do whatever it takes to make the goal happen.

I think this is one of those character defects I need to work on when we get to that step. Yuck.

Day 25

Some days I'm just here

Some days that seems to be all, just here. Nothing really bad, just a sense of depression and yuck. I felt like that today. I worked, ran, went to my meeting...all the things I was "supposed " to.

My mind was slightly crazy. Early this morning before work, Trixie, my alcoholic part of my brain was talking to me. Why not stay home today, get drunk, tell everyone you are sick, send daughter to grandparents so she won't "catch" it, and we can just have a big ole party all by ourselves? Only a sick mind would even consider this right?

I'm also about to be on vacation from work, not going anywhere, just some time off. So Trixie starts plotting a good night to really get drunk and "celebrate" vacation. Not this day because of that, not that day because of this, not that day cause I have that early morning thing...so how about that day?? Crazy stuff.

It scares me because I don't want to relapse again and start over. I'm trying so hard to do all the right things but I'm afraid I'll eff it up again. The thoughts are so convincing at times that I just give in and I don't want to this time. I have to take the right action when overcome with cravings.

I try to remember that in general I'm much happier sober, I do more stuff, hike, run, etc. But days like today when it's not great Trixie talks. I will not give up my sobriety so shut up Trixie. You are a big, fat liar and I don't want to be your friend anymore!!!

Day 24

Saturday blahs

So today is 3 weeks, 21 days, since I last drank. I've been home today. Catching up on stuff that needed to be done. School work, laundry, etc. I was feeling overwhelmed the other day so I made a list of everything I need to do. It feels good to get to mark things off but now I'm tired of working and feeling restless.

Two invitations to do things with friends. Guess what? Both included alcohol. One was "want to meet me for a drink tonight?" Not drinking I replied but maybe to visit if I'm not too lazy. I won't go because I would drink. Texted another friend thinking maybe dinner, she's at another friends hanging out having pj night drinking wine. So no can't do that. I may come later I told her. If I'm not too lazy. Truth is I am lonely and would love to have a friend to hang out with. Truth is I would love to have a drink and hang out with a friend. I'm not so much craving an actual drink as I am feeling lost and not sure what to do without drinking with my friends. I know one day I will be able to hang out with them drinking and not care but not yet.

I ran 4 miles, did some of my stuff, napped and now what? It's Saturday night and I guess I will stay home alone. Maybe go to bed early. Pity party time around here.

So I heard in a meeting to make a list of things you want to have accomplished in a year and don't look at it until next year. So here goes....

1. Stay sober
2. Be able to socialize with people drinking without worrying about drinking myself
3. Have a full, happy life filled with things to do without alcohol
4. Not dwell on alcohol so much
5. Work the 12 steps and continue meetings
6. Feel more content and happy with my life in general
7. Be happy with myself, content on days like this to just be alone

Lol just hung up with my sponsor, she called me back as I was typing this, as I was telling her how I was feeling she said "Oh so you're having a pity party huh?" Yep I said I already determined that I was!!

Could be worse. She suggested a gratitude list.

1. I didn't drink today
2. I have a great family
3. I have a job, not that I love it but it pays the bills
4. I have my health
5. I have a nice home, nothing fancy but it's mine
6. I have a new car, nothing fancy but it's mine
7. I have AA, a great sponsor, and a recovery program to help me stay sober
8. I ran 4 miles, am training for a 1/2 marathon, am working with a personal trainer and have the ability to do these things
9. And this should have been 1st but I have a God who protects me, loves me, forgives me and will never leave me

Day 21

Day 16

On the downhill side of 30 days. Good day today. Went to my morning meeting, work. Had a training session at the gym. Great workout!!! And made dinner for my family!!

I haven't made my list of "good stuff I did today" lately so here goes...

1. stayed sober
2. went to a meeting
3. prayed, did my readings, talked to my sponsor
4. worked out
5. had a nice family dinner
6. felt pretty happy and content today!!!!

Weekend Survival

So I did it. I went on my weekend girls trip and didn't drink. In fact NO ONE ordered a drink at dinner. One friend had brought a bottle of red that she drank on at the hotel after dinner but honestly I never liked red wine (not that I wouldn't drink it if it was what was around before) and wasn't tempted.

I enjoyed myself and feel good tonight.

Starting back to a busy week with another sober weekend behind me!

Day 15

Friday the 13th

For me anyway. Day 13. I've been feeling really good all week. Happy, did my daily meetings, prayed, talked to my sponsor about my crazy head stuff. Today I felt good till about 4.

Something about weekends that Trixie (alcoholic in my head) starts talking to me. Loud annoying bitch. And a friend invited me to dinner, which would most likely include drinks. I came home and prayed and took a nap. Got dressed cute just in case I decided to go to "dinner". Went to my meeting. Came home. So the good news is I didn't drink. But I feel sad. Not sure why just sad. Maybe because I can't have dinner with friends because I don't trust myself not to drink. Maybe cause Trixie was whispering about fun times with alcohol. Hell I don't know but I don't like it.

Leaving early tomorrow to go with some friends to some big shopping deal. We are spending the night and coming home Sunday. I've been really looking forward to it. One of my best friends is going. She's aware of my alcohol issues and don't expect much if any drinking to happen. Like they may have a glass of wine with dinner but nothing major so I can handle that. Though I think for accountability I will remind my friend of my issues so she can slap me if I try to order a drink. To say all that.....now I don't want to go. I just want to stay home. I always do that. Make plans that I look forward to until it's time to do them then I don't want to. WTF is up with that??

Anyway I'm going to go and hope my mood turns happy and I enjoy myself.

Day 13 ... maybe not happy but sober

Relief

Well I feel relieved tonight for 2 reasons...

1. I MADE IT THROUGH THE WEEKEND SOBER!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's been a while since that happened so I am relieved I did it.

The other thing is even bigger to me. I told my daughter about going to AA. She caught me secretly drinking this summer and I talked with her about my alcohol problems. She was so upset that day and it was heartbreaking. Time moved on and she was ok. Caught me another time but just chose to leave and go to her grandmothers but didn't say much to me about it.

I told her when I did AA before that I was going to a prayer meeting. So when I went back I just said I think I'm going to go back to those meetings I used to go to. She just said ok...She knows I call my sponsor everyday again. I had referred to her before as an "accountability partner" something that had been talked about at church and how I referred to her at that time.

So tonight we were talking about Halloween and she asked me if I wanted to go with her to her uncle's where she always goes. It's a big party/trick or treat thing and they are big drinkers. I said no, I really don't want to be around all the drinking. I'm trying not to drink and would rather not be around it right now. She was totally cool and supportive. So then I just felt God was saying it was the right time, which I had prayed for. So I just said ok I need to tell you something but don't want you to freak out. Immediately she thinks I'm either pregnant or found a tranantula in the house(a common fear of ours)....funny where people's minds go... I said no, you know those meetings I go to, well they are really AA. I explained it was a good support program that helped me do better and meet people who could help me, etc. I told her that we all need help sometimes and I needed the extra support/help. She was fine. Said she understood and didn't seem bothered or anything. She quickly moved on to what she's wearing tomorrow and trying on outfits for me so she seems just fine!!

It is just a relief to be honest about it. I've wanted to but been scared.. Such a good feeling to be completely honest with her instead of telling half truths, etc!!
Day 8!!!!

My Daddy's Birthday

Today was my dad's 67th bday. The family all went to dinner and then back to their house to visit. I love my family and really enjoyed the evening. Played hide and seek with my niece and just had fun. If I was drinking
I probably would have been in a hurry to leave to go to a halloween party or manipulated the plans around so I could have gone to a Halloween party a friend out of town is having. So I could get drunk because that's what it would boil down to. Dress up, get drunk, blackout, feel like shit tomorrow and then guilty because I had manipulated everything to get my way.....

I worry about losing my parents sometimes. It is an overwhelming thought but today I enjoyed them without dwelling on negative future problems.

Instead it was a relaxed and lovely evening. Thank God. In fact the whole day was good. Got up early, ran 4 miles, store, showered...hung out with my daughter then left for the festivities. I didn't obsess about alcohol or feel sad that I was missing out on something more "fun".

Today is day 7. One week sober. One weekend sober.

My Good List
1. Stayed sober
2. Ran
3. Spent time with family unselfishly
4. Didn't obess about missing out on something "better" or more "fun" than family.

Somehow the list seems shorter than usual today. I didn't go to a meeting today but I think that's ok. I'm not perfect and I enjoyed my family time.

Day 7!!!!

Day 4

Not a bad day. Went to a noon meeting. Worked. Ran 3 miles....I've decided to train again for a half marathon to keep me busy/motivated. Family over for dinner.

Felt good most of the day...some moments of sadness but don't really know why. This afternoon I was working on school work and got to feeling anxious, grouchy...Not sure why. I stopped and went for my run. My sponsor said that was good better than sitting in dwelling in feeling bad. So here's my list of what I did good today....

1. Stayed sober
2. Went to a meeting
3. Worked
4. Did school work
5. Ran
6. Cooked dinner and invited family
7. Enjoyed family dinner

Day 4

Day 3

Well turns out I was not able to attend the event without drinking. I thought I could. I thought I could dress up in my costume, do the run part, socialize briefly and leave. Problem is the ran ended at the party part and where as of course I could have left I didn't. I proceeded to get drunk.

So back to the beginning which I seem to have difficulty getting past. I cried during my Monday meeting and talked to some members after. I talked with my sponsor who was very sweet but says she will have to drop me if I relapse again. I can understand but don't want to lose her. She asked me to go to 90 in 90 which used to seem impossble but not so much now. Two meetings in particular, one on my running group night, she wanted me to be willing to make the meeting unstead. So ok, I will run another night.

I may have some fun while drinking but the next few days are hell. I feel sick, sad, shameful, regretful, depressed and tearful. It's not worth it.

My sponsor asks me each time....are you willing to go to any measures to get sober? I say yes. This time I really mean it. I can't continue this life. I won't continue this life. God has plans for me and being drunk is not the plan. It will be hard but I pray I can do it this time.....

Day 3

Day 8

Missed a few days but no drinking. It's Saturday about 6:00 pm. Been busy till now. Yes thought of alcohol. Invited to a social event tonight. Costume event. Sounds fun. But can I go and not drink? I just don't know. So irritating not being able to just go do something for fear of effing alcohol. I wish I could drink like a normal person. I think. This part of sobriety sucks.

I'm not the me I knew, I don't know the sober me yet. Seems like a forever journey and I'm feeling impatient.
Bummed, unfair, whine, etc.

Day 8

Day 5

So day 5. Not the first but hopefully the last. Pretty decent day. Morning meeting and I didn't lock my keys in my car. Much better start. Work was fine, and tonight I got to stay home!!!!! I did some school work, laundry, etc. The best part was spending the evening with my daughter. We did some straightening around the house, ordered pizza and just chilled.. Very nice!

My ex-husband texted me today just to say he was sorry for what all he put me through, he knew we loved each othe and he effed it up but we did have a great daughter who couldn't have asked for a better mother.
We have been divorced since Jan. 01. He's an alcoholic and an adict. I don't think he is using now but definitely still drinks. I didn't drink much at all while married to him. It was nice but made me feel....I don't know. Weird. Made me think about a drink. I think it was feelings that I didn't want to feel but tried to anyway. I replied it was all good and we all make mistakes and I raised her the best I could with God's help. Why would this provoke the thought of a drink other than just the feelingness of it? I'm way over him but still brought up feelings I had buried and yes, they made me uncomfortable. I sat and tried to think them through.

Today's list of good things I did today:

1. Stayed sober
2. Went to my meeting
3. Worked
4. Did my to-do list - watered plants, school work, laundry
5. Tried not to worry about "What if's"
6. Did my readings, prayers, and called my sponsor.
7. Helped plan a halloween party my daughter's having and didn't think of alcohol!

Here's to another sober day tomorrow!!

Day 4

I've decided to use this as a journal of sorts. I'd rather type than write. I will have to do some step work soon. That will have to be written.

Today was ok. I went to my morning meeting and locked my keys in the car. They were very helpful, my fellow AA members. Someone called a guy to pop the lock. Another guy let me sit in his truck and wait. Nice cause it was cold and rainy here this morning. Eventually made it to work. Went smoothly, home, nap, more work and then went for  run. I've been running with the local running group in a effort to be more social. Runners drink too. But not to the extent I do. Still it seems alcohol is everywhere.

Pretty ok mood, not too much cravings for alcohol but some "projecting" into the future with the what-ifs?
Trying not to go there.

My list for today

1. Stayed sober
2. Went to a meeting
3. Got help with the key situation when I needed it
4. Ran
5. Did my reading and prayers and called my sponsor
6. Enjoyed dinner with my daughter

Day 4

Day 3

I didn't have a good morning. Called my sponsor and talked and cried. Went to 8:00 AM meeting and cried some more. Talked to some people. I just felt so hopeless. I can do this. It's just effing scary and hard and seems impossible at times. Obviously it's not, other people do it everyday.

So the plan with my sponsor is one day at a time. Meetings, reading, praying, etc.  Most importantly, I am supposed to call someone BEFORE I drink, when I'm thinking about it, plotting it, etc. I am supposed to make a list of the good things I do everyday. Even just simple things.

1. Stayed sober
2. Went to a meeting
3. Went to work
4. Went to my work meeting after work
5. Went to my class
6. Made it through the day
7. Did my readings
8. Had dinner with my parents
9. Made my list

Day 3

Day 2

I chose happy hour. Funny it turned into about 9 or 10 hours instead. Well, meds do not help me have just one. I obviously am not able to have just one. I already knew this but being the good little acoholic I am I had to give it a shot.

I didn't leave my bed from when I got in Friday night unil 11:00 AM today. The depression, the shame, it never changes. I lock myself in my own personal psych ward each weeekend I do this. Cycle that is so hard to break. Others do. I can to.

I guess I will go back to AA in the morning. Have to call my sponsor tomorrow. I texted earlier and told her. I really hope this is the time it works. I pray to God for strength to get sober.

Day 2

This is the hard time

Friday afternoon. Seems the perfect drinking time. Happy hour? Text that I've received already. I'm taking naltrexone that realllllllly helps with cravings. Yet Friday evening happy hour sounds ever so tempting. My mind thinks...maybe on the meds just one will be ok. Then I think...no alcoholic thinking and I'm supposed to be going to a meeting tonight. The week has been good and easy. Too easy? No just time to face the music now....should I stay or should I go?

Day 8

Hi my name's Mary and I'm an alcoholic

For now we will use Mary as my name. Don't want to over identify myself. I've had quite an adventure with my recovery. I'd tell you now but I'm too tired and it's past my bedtime. I shall, however, share much, much more soon.

Today is day 6. A week tomorrow.

One day at a time.