Making it

It's been a busy week but good surprisingly. I went back to work and have been busy, worked out or ran after work all week and have been to a meeting every day! So far my mood has been pretty good. Some moments of sadness but they have passed quickly. Almost a week of sobriety again. Weekend won't get me this time!!!

I do find myself in a tricky situation involving a man. One who had asked me out, I said yes but cancelled, then went back to sobriety. So the other day while drinking I texted him. And now he's asking me out again. I keep making excuses but in reality I know I shouldn't get involved with anyone right now because I need to concentrate on my sobriety. I feel like I've led him on now so am trying to decide how to explain. My sponsor also recommended against it. Maybe just tell him I'm an alcoholic and can't date right now? That oughta scare him away. LOL!!

That's all for now.....gotta go visit with my daughter!

Day 6

Sunday night blues

I don't like Sunday's. I find them depressing. The weekend is over. In this case the vacation is over. Back to work. Back to meetings. I'm trying to have a good attitude about work. I have to remember I'm lucky to have a job. I'm considering going to the noon meeting rather than the 8:00 meeting. Why? I don't know. Because I don't want to have to say I relapsed? Maybe another would be more helpful? I could go to work earlier but then leave for "lunch". It's probably doable. Not sure which would effect my job the most because I have to be consious of reaching my goals. That's not negotionable. So praying for some guidance there.

The Sunday blues are probably partly from the drinking and the depression cycle. I hope it passes quickly. I will go to work tomorrow, go to a meeting, go to the gym..life goes on. I have to make the most of it.

I'd looked into getting some therapy a while back. I can't remember but seemed kind of pricey but I think I'm going to check on it again. I think I could benefit from some therapy if I can afford it. Maybe help me deciper some of my issues that I don't even know I have...

Today's Accomplishments
1. Stayed sober
2. Went to church
3. Did laundry
4. Did some school work
5. Called my sponosor and talked to her about feeling down

So I have nothing else to share at this time. Here's hoping for a more cheerful, happy mood soon....

Day 3

Saturday Evening Edition

So I talked to my sponsor last night and she agreed to keep me as a sponsee. I was happy about this. She said we had to have a plan for the next time I wanted to drink. So the plan is to call her. I pray I can do this. The problem being I don't call her because I know she will talk me out of it but I don't want her to at the time.

So next time, I call. If I don't call and drink I will most likely lose her as a sponsor and I don't want to do that. I want to be sober. Today I feel depressed, yuck, blah....nothing unusal. I did what I needed to though...

Back to my list of accomplishments:
1. Stayed sober
2. Ran my 6 miles on my training schedule, even on the treadmill cause it was raining all day
3. Made a plan with my sponsor
4. Spent time with my daughter
5. Decorated for Christmas, even though I totally wasn't into it my daughter wanted to
6. Had dinner out with my sis and fam, even though I wanted to stay home.

Back to work next week, back to regularly schuduled meetings, back to real life. Real life sucks....

Church tomorrow, even though I don't want to go, I will. I want to hide in my house for a long time. I don't like these feelings but I will have to sit through them cause I brought them on and I have no other choice...

Day 2

Day 1 Once More

Yes I do regret drinking but can't take it back so onward and forward. I told my sponsor. She has to talk to her sponsor because she told me that if I drank again she would have to drop me. I told her I really, really didn't want to lose her and would be very sad but would understand. She said she doesn't want to drop me but has to talk to her sponsor.

I told my sister. I confessed yet again. Too bad I can't lie better. Lol. Just kidding. Kinda.

Now I have to figure out how to restart my sobriety counter.

drinking

yes i didn't make it. i took a nap, it prayed, etc....i went to the gas station and bought beer. the wine they had sucked. i only drink white and they only had moscati or some sweet shit i didn't want .... so beer it was or is....10th now.... i will know doubt regret this in the morning but right now.... after dropping my daughter off for the night and the nap not working i could not convince myself otherwise. i said i wouldn't tell anyone...yet i posted on BFB .... my sponsor will probably drop me.....i just don't know....

And now??

Thanksgiving feast at my sisters house went great. I ate lots of good food, played with my niece, visited with family and enjoyed the day.

After that I had to take my daughter to her dads side of the family to celebrate.

I had cravings to drink all morning, they subsided at lunch, came back when I dropped her off. I came home and took a nap. Cravings are still here.

My mind says why not? No one is here, no one has to know. I would know. God would know. I want to be sober. But at times like this....not so much.

Please Lord help me through the rest of this day.

Dayy 33

Better today

So after all my dread my step one work was not all that bad. My sponsor called and said ok so you still want to meet? I said well if you want to, I'm actually kinda dreading it. Get your ass over here and lets do this she said. Ok I said. And I went.

I read her what I had written and we talked about the Big Book and 12 and 12 chapters pertaining to step one. I talked to her about my dread of the afternoon. She said it's normal when we have to open up about ourselves. Hmmm. Who knew? So I asked her if I passed step one and she said yes! Onto step two. I think that will be shorter and easier because I really think I already do believe a power greater than myself can restore me to sanity but I will have to read the chapters, etc...

The meeting after was good. A lady got her 43 year chip. Hard to imagine 43 years sober. I'm not even 43 years old and 30 days was a big milestone for me. But apparently it can be done. Inspiring.

So tomorrow is Thanksgiving. My family doesn't drink so that will be fine. After may or may not be a challege. Still don't know if alcohol is even sold here on Thanksgiving but doesn't matter cause I won't be drinking.

Last year on Thanksgiving I was a couple of weeks sober and had pre-sober planned a get together at my house with friends to eat and check out black Friday ads, etc. Well I became convinced (after stressing all week about whether I should or shouldn't) on Wednesday I would not be able to not drink because everyone else would be and so I bought beer and wine. After Thanksgiving dinner at my house and the family went home I took a nap. When I woke up out came the beer. Turns out not everyone drank. One friend nursed a glass of wine all evening, someone brought a couple of beers, a couple???, and someone had maybe one cup of coffee with some Baileys. One??? The other 3 or 4 guests did not drink. Needless to say I was the big drinker of the the evening. Very shocking I know....

Well this year I have 32 days (33 tomorrow) of sobriety and no get together and no drinking will be done and I am VERY THANKFUL for that!!!

I wish you all, well not like that many people are reading this but still, a very happy and sober Thanksgiving.

Day 32

???

Today has been different than yesterday. I stayed home and cleaned house. I have to meet with my sponsor in a little while before the 6:00 meeting to go over step one ... again ... I did step one a couple of times when I was in AA in the spring.

I feel down, not happy, no reason not to be but I'm not. I just feel depressed. I started feeling more so as the day has gone on. I don't want to go talk about step one or go to the meeting. I want to hide in my house in my pj's. I closed all the blinds earlier this afternoon and sat in the semi-darkness half napping and praying the feeling would go away.

I'm dressed and waiting for her to call but with all my heart I wish something would happen and she would cancel. I don't know why I feel this dread. That's what it is .... dread. Just as I'm typing I was able to name the feeling. Dread. Why do I dread this? Why after having been feeling pretty good, happy yesterday, do I totally dread tonight? Why do I want to go into hiding again? I've felt like hiding at home many times and have many times but not in a while.

I'm scared. And I don't want to do this. But I will. With the dread and fear. And hope it's goes away because I do not like these feelings one bit.

Day 31

Guess what???

I have achieved 30 days of sobriety!!!! All in a row!!!!!!! It has been since June that I have done this. Prior to June I had 105 days and then have been having a rough time since them but I did it!!! 30 DAYS!!!

Funny thing it means more this time than last time because it was SO much harder this time and I had to do more work to make it happen so it makes it more special.

I'm on vacation this week and as I said had planned to go to my 8:00 AM meeting anyway to get my chip. Well I woke up early about 6ish and it was pouring rain so I thought ... Never mind I'll just sleep in and go to a noon meeting... Well I woke back up at 7:40 and thought NO! This meeting means something to me, I go at least 3 mornings a week and I want to get my chip there so I threw on some sweats and went. I was so glad I did. It just meant so much to get it this time. I was happy all day even though I had to run errands in the rain all day I was still happy.

I did it by going to the meeting, yes almost everyday, apparently what I needed to stay sober, praying, doing my daily reading my sponsor says, calling her daily, and when the craving hit I prayed, kept busy or took a nap. Naps work so well for me....one I love napping and two usually when I wake up the cravings have passed. Also by going to the doctor and getting my meds straightened out. That helped my mental state tremendously.

Sobriety is sooooo much better than drinking, definitely not easy, but better!!!!

DAY 30!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11

Almost 30 days

So today is day 29. Tomorrow will be 30 days with no alcohol. 4 weekends with no alcohol. I've made it this far before but not since June. I will go to my 8:00 meeting and get my 30 day chip tomorrow morning. I feel good about making it this far.

From Feb to June I had 105 days then after relapsing haven't got much more than a week or two at a time. So 30 days seems like a long time.

I will have to say how I did it when I get my chip....I did it by going to meetings almost everyday, by praying and calling my sponsor and when craving hit I took a nap (lol but usually always true). I thought about being more happy when I'm sober. That will be my speech I guess because that's what I did!

So vacation this week and Thanksgiving. Vacation always makes me want to drink so I've been having cravings this weekend and probably will next week during slow times. Luckily my family doesn't drink so actual Thanksgiving day won't be a problem. But after lunch my daughter will go to her dad's side of the family and spend the night. Do they sell alcohol here on Thanksgiving? I don't know. I hope not. I won't buy it before but may be very tempted after she's gone. I need to work on a plan. Maybe just stay at my sister's for the night. I don't know...

I'm trying to focus on one day at a time and not project to the future. I did run a 10K yesterday, one that I have registered for numerous times, ran once, and not gone numerous times due to a hangover. So just actually going was great. I also had lunch with friends, only one of whom had a beer. I had dinner with a friend, who had a margarita, she drank 1/2 of it...1/2???? WTF???? I never drank 1/2 a drink. I really wasn't tempted during those time. So good weekend overall.

Day 29

Ok...

Ok day, off work but had some school observations I had to do this morning.

When I got done, I was really craving a drink. I prayed for the obsession to be lifted. I was feeling lonely so I texted a couple of friends to see if they wanted to have lunch but they couldn't. So I did what I do best when feeling down.....took a nap.

Craving were prett much gone after that so made it through. I think it's the fact that I'm off work that triggered the desire....

One day at a time....

Day 26

Character Defect?

Today was another blah-ish day. Started ok. Went to my morning meeting. Went to work. Was supposed to meet with my supervior about a particular goal I was supposed to meet that I didn't. She showed up about 2 rather than 9:30 as planned due to a conflict. So anyway I gave what I felt like were my valid reasons for not making it. This is the first time in 10 years I haven't made it. I was at 92%. She didn't seem to think my reasons were valid. I got defensive I guess. She told me I didn't ever seem willing to go over and beyond to make it happen. She made me feel like I wasn't doing a good job. Truth is I don't take critisim well. Never have. So if I don't make the goal next quarter they cut my pay. That can't happen. So I guess I will "go over and beyond" to make sure I make the goal.

I hate that when someone corrects me I feel so bad, defensive. I had planned to try and really not become defensive but I did anyway. She didn't say what I "thought " she should maybe? Maybe because deep down I think if I hadn't called in "sick" aka hungover then maybe I would have made the goal. The first time in 10 years. Also the worse my alcoholism had been. I didn't miss a ton of work but a few days, yes....I could have worked harder some days but I'm burned out at my job. I'm sick of it and don't want to go but have no choice.

So I cried and had a pity party, took a nap, talked to my sponsor and will move on. Thought about drinking but really that would only make me feel worse and I didn't even really want to. I just wanted to feel sorry for myself so I did for a bit. I'm on vacation until after Thanksgiving and will use this time to regroup and pray for a better attitude about my job. Then go back and do whatever it takes to make the goal happen.

I think this is one of those character defects I need to work on when we get to that step. Yuck.

Day 25

Some days I'm just here

Some days that seems to be all, just here. Nothing really bad, just a sense of depression and yuck. I felt like that today. I worked, ran, went to my meeting...all the things I was "supposed " to.

My mind was slightly crazy. Early this morning before work, Trixie, my alcoholic part of my brain was talking to me. Why not stay home today, get drunk, tell everyone you are sick, send daughter to grandparents so she won't "catch" it, and we can just have a big ole party all by ourselves? Only a sick mind would even consider this right?

I'm also about to be on vacation from work, not going anywhere, just some time off. So Trixie starts plotting a good night to really get drunk and "celebrate" vacation. Not this day because of that, not that day because of this, not that day cause I have that early morning thing...so how about that day?? Crazy stuff.

It scares me because I don't want to relapse again and start over. I'm trying so hard to do all the right things but I'm afraid I'll eff it up again. The thoughts are so convincing at times that I just give in and I don't want to this time. I have to take the right action when overcome with cravings.

I try to remember that in general I'm much happier sober, I do more stuff, hike, run, etc. But days like today when it's not great Trixie talks. I will not give up my sobriety so shut up Trixie. You are a big, fat liar and I don't want to be your friend anymore!!!

Day 24

Saturday blahs

So today is 3 weeks, 21 days, since I last drank. I've been home today. Catching up on stuff that needed to be done. School work, laundry, etc. I was feeling overwhelmed the other day so I made a list of everything I need to do. It feels good to get to mark things off but now I'm tired of working and feeling restless.

Two invitations to do things with friends. Guess what? Both included alcohol. One was "want to meet me for a drink tonight?" Not drinking I replied but maybe to visit if I'm not too lazy. I won't go because I would drink. Texted another friend thinking maybe dinner, she's at another friends hanging out having pj night drinking wine. So no can't do that. I may come later I told her. If I'm not too lazy. Truth is I am lonely and would love to have a friend to hang out with. Truth is I would love to have a drink and hang out with a friend. I'm not so much craving an actual drink as I am feeling lost and not sure what to do without drinking with my friends. I know one day I will be able to hang out with them drinking and not care but not yet.

I ran 4 miles, did some of my stuff, napped and now what? It's Saturday night and I guess I will stay home alone. Maybe go to bed early. Pity party time around here.

So I heard in a meeting to make a list of things you want to have accomplished in a year and don't look at it until next year. So here goes....

1. Stay sober
2. Be able to socialize with people drinking without worrying about drinking myself
3. Have a full, happy life filled with things to do without alcohol
4. Not dwell on alcohol so much
5. Work the 12 steps and continue meetings
6. Feel more content and happy with my life in general
7. Be happy with myself, content on days like this to just be alone

Lol just hung up with my sponsor, she called me back as I was typing this, as I was telling her how I was feeling she said "Oh so you're having a pity party huh?" Yep I said I already determined that I was!!

Could be worse. She suggested a gratitude list.

1. I didn't drink today
2. I have a great family
3. I have a job, not that I love it but it pays the bills
4. I have my health
5. I have a nice home, nothing fancy but it's mine
6. I have a new car, nothing fancy but it's mine
7. I have AA, a great sponsor, and a recovery program to help me stay sober
8. I ran 4 miles, am training for a 1/2 marathon, am working with a personal trainer and have the ability to do these things
9. And this should have been 1st but I have a God who protects me, loves me, forgives me and will never leave me

Day 21

Day 16

On the downhill side of 30 days. Good day today. Went to my morning meeting, work. Had a training session at the gym. Great workout!!! And made dinner for my family!!

I haven't made my list of "good stuff I did today" lately so here goes...

1. stayed sober
2. went to a meeting
3. prayed, did my readings, talked to my sponsor
4. worked out
5. had a nice family dinner
6. felt pretty happy and content today!!!!

Weekend Survival

So I did it. I went on my weekend girls trip and didn't drink. In fact NO ONE ordered a drink at dinner. One friend had brought a bottle of red that she drank on at the hotel after dinner but honestly I never liked red wine (not that I wouldn't drink it if it was what was around before) and wasn't tempted.

I enjoyed myself and feel good tonight.

Starting back to a busy week with another sober weekend behind me!

Day 15

Friday the 13th

For me anyway. Day 13. I've been feeling really good all week. Happy, did my daily meetings, prayed, talked to my sponsor about my crazy head stuff. Today I felt good till about 4.

Something about weekends that Trixie (alcoholic in my head) starts talking to me. Loud annoying bitch. And a friend invited me to dinner, which would most likely include drinks. I came home and prayed and took a nap. Got dressed cute just in case I decided to go to "dinner". Went to my meeting. Came home. So the good news is I didn't drink. But I feel sad. Not sure why just sad. Maybe because I can't have dinner with friends because I don't trust myself not to drink. Maybe cause Trixie was whispering about fun times with alcohol. Hell I don't know but I don't like it.

Leaving early tomorrow to go with some friends to some big shopping deal. We are spending the night and coming home Sunday. I've been really looking forward to it. One of my best friends is going. She's aware of my alcohol issues and don't expect much if any drinking to happen. Like they may have a glass of wine with dinner but nothing major so I can handle that. Though I think for accountability I will remind my friend of my issues so she can slap me if I try to order a drink. To say all that.....now I don't want to go. I just want to stay home. I always do that. Make plans that I look forward to until it's time to do them then I don't want to. WTF is up with that??

Anyway I'm going to go and hope my mood turns happy and I enjoy myself.

Day 13 ... maybe not happy but sober