Relief

Well I feel relieved tonight for 2 reasons...

1. I MADE IT THROUGH THE WEEKEND SOBER!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's been a while since that happened so I am relieved I did it.

The other thing is even bigger to me. I told my daughter about going to AA. She caught me secretly drinking this summer and I talked with her about my alcohol problems. She was so upset that day and it was heartbreaking. Time moved on and she was ok. Caught me another time but just chose to leave and go to her grandmothers but didn't say much to me about it.

I told her when I did AA before that I was going to a prayer meeting. So when I went back I just said I think I'm going to go back to those meetings I used to go to. She just said ok...She knows I call my sponsor everyday again. I had referred to her before as an "accountability partner" something that had been talked about at church and how I referred to her at that time.

So tonight we were talking about Halloween and she asked me if I wanted to go with her to her uncle's where she always goes. It's a big party/trick or treat thing and they are big drinkers. I said no, I really don't want to be around all the drinking. I'm trying not to drink and would rather not be around it right now. She was totally cool and supportive. So then I just felt God was saying it was the right time, which I had prayed for. So I just said ok I need to tell you something but don't want you to freak out. Immediately she thinks I'm either pregnant or found a tranantula in the house(a common fear of ours)....funny where people's minds go... I said no, you know those meetings I go to, well they are really AA. I explained it was a good support program that helped me do better and meet people who could help me, etc. I told her that we all need help sometimes and I needed the extra support/help. She was fine. Said she understood and didn't seem bothered or anything. She quickly moved on to what she's wearing tomorrow and trying on outfits for me so she seems just fine!!

It is just a relief to be honest about it. I've wanted to but been scared.. Such a good feeling to be completely honest with her instead of telling half truths, etc!!
Day 8!!!!

My Daddy's Birthday

Today was my dad's 67th bday. The family all went to dinner and then back to their house to visit. I love my family and really enjoyed the evening. Played hide and seek with my niece and just had fun. If I was drinking
I probably would have been in a hurry to leave to go to a halloween party or manipulated the plans around so I could have gone to a Halloween party a friend out of town is having. So I could get drunk because that's what it would boil down to. Dress up, get drunk, blackout, feel like shit tomorrow and then guilty because I had manipulated everything to get my way.....

I worry about losing my parents sometimes. It is an overwhelming thought but today I enjoyed them without dwelling on negative future problems.

Instead it was a relaxed and lovely evening. Thank God. In fact the whole day was good. Got up early, ran 4 miles, store, showered...hung out with my daughter then left for the festivities. I didn't obsess about alcohol or feel sad that I was missing out on something more "fun".

Today is day 7. One week sober. One weekend sober.

My Good List
1. Stayed sober
2. Ran
3. Spent time with family unselfishly
4. Didn't obess about missing out on something "better" or more "fun" than family.

Somehow the list seems shorter than usual today. I didn't go to a meeting today but I think that's ok. I'm not perfect and I enjoyed my family time.

Day 7!!!!

Day 4

Not a bad day. Went to a noon meeting. Worked. Ran 3 miles....I've decided to train again for a half marathon to keep me busy/motivated. Family over for dinner.

Felt good most of the day...some moments of sadness but don't really know why. This afternoon I was working on school work and got to feeling anxious, grouchy...Not sure why. I stopped and went for my run. My sponsor said that was good better than sitting in dwelling in feeling bad. So here's my list of what I did good today....

1. Stayed sober
2. Went to a meeting
3. Worked
4. Did school work
5. Ran
6. Cooked dinner and invited family
7. Enjoyed family dinner

Day 4

Day 3

Well turns out I was not able to attend the event without drinking. I thought I could. I thought I could dress up in my costume, do the run part, socialize briefly and leave. Problem is the ran ended at the party part and where as of course I could have left I didn't. I proceeded to get drunk.

So back to the beginning which I seem to have difficulty getting past. I cried during my Monday meeting and talked to some members after. I talked with my sponsor who was very sweet but says she will have to drop me if I relapse again. I can understand but don't want to lose her. She asked me to go to 90 in 90 which used to seem impossble but not so much now. Two meetings in particular, one on my running group night, she wanted me to be willing to make the meeting unstead. So ok, I will run another night.

I may have some fun while drinking but the next few days are hell. I feel sick, sad, shameful, regretful, depressed and tearful. It's not worth it.

My sponsor asks me each time....are you willing to go to any measures to get sober? I say yes. This time I really mean it. I can't continue this life. I won't continue this life. God has plans for me and being drunk is not the plan. It will be hard but I pray I can do it this time.....

Day 3

Day 8

Missed a few days but no drinking. It's Saturday about 6:00 pm. Been busy till now. Yes thought of alcohol. Invited to a social event tonight. Costume event. Sounds fun. But can I go and not drink? I just don't know. So irritating not being able to just go do something for fear of effing alcohol. I wish I could drink like a normal person. I think. This part of sobriety sucks.

I'm not the me I knew, I don't know the sober me yet. Seems like a forever journey and I'm feeling impatient.
Bummed, unfair, whine, etc.

Day 8

Day 5

So day 5. Not the first but hopefully the last. Pretty decent day. Morning meeting and I didn't lock my keys in my car. Much better start. Work was fine, and tonight I got to stay home!!!!! I did some school work, laundry, etc. The best part was spending the evening with my daughter. We did some straightening around the house, ordered pizza and just chilled.. Very nice!

My ex-husband texted me today just to say he was sorry for what all he put me through, he knew we loved each othe and he effed it up but we did have a great daughter who couldn't have asked for a better mother.
We have been divorced since Jan. 01. He's an alcoholic and an adict. I don't think he is using now but definitely still drinks. I didn't drink much at all while married to him. It was nice but made me feel....I don't know. Weird. Made me think about a drink. I think it was feelings that I didn't want to feel but tried to anyway. I replied it was all good and we all make mistakes and I raised her the best I could with God's help. Why would this provoke the thought of a drink other than just the feelingness of it? I'm way over him but still brought up feelings I had buried and yes, they made me uncomfortable. I sat and tried to think them through.

Today's list of good things I did today:

1. Stayed sober
2. Went to my meeting
3. Worked
4. Did my to-do list - watered plants, school work, laundry
5. Tried not to worry about "What if's"
6. Did my readings, prayers, and called my sponsor.
7. Helped plan a halloween party my daughter's having and didn't think of alcohol!

Here's to another sober day tomorrow!!

Day 4

I've decided to use this as a journal of sorts. I'd rather type than write. I will have to do some step work soon. That will have to be written.

Today was ok. I went to my morning meeting and locked my keys in the car. They were very helpful, my fellow AA members. Someone called a guy to pop the lock. Another guy let me sit in his truck and wait. Nice cause it was cold and rainy here this morning. Eventually made it to work. Went smoothly, home, nap, more work and then went for  run. I've been running with the local running group in a effort to be more social. Runners drink too. But not to the extent I do. Still it seems alcohol is everywhere.

Pretty ok mood, not too much cravings for alcohol but some "projecting" into the future with the what-ifs?
Trying not to go there.

My list for today

1. Stayed sober
2. Went to a meeting
3. Got help with the key situation when I needed it
4. Ran
5. Did my reading and prayers and called my sponsor
6. Enjoyed dinner with my daughter

Day 4

Day 3

I didn't have a good morning. Called my sponsor and talked and cried. Went to 8:00 AM meeting and cried some more. Talked to some people. I just felt so hopeless. I can do this. It's just effing scary and hard and seems impossible at times. Obviously it's not, other people do it everyday.

So the plan with my sponsor is one day at a time. Meetings, reading, praying, etc.  Most importantly, I am supposed to call someone BEFORE I drink, when I'm thinking about it, plotting it, etc. I am supposed to make a list of the good things I do everyday. Even just simple things.

1. Stayed sober
2. Went to a meeting
3. Went to work
4. Went to my work meeting after work
5. Went to my class
6. Made it through the day
7. Did my readings
8. Had dinner with my parents
9. Made my list

Day 3

Day 2

I chose happy hour. Funny it turned into about 9 or 10 hours instead. Well, meds do not help me have just one. I obviously am not able to have just one. I already knew this but being the good little acoholic I am I had to give it a shot.

I didn't leave my bed from when I got in Friday night unil 11:00 AM today. The depression, the shame, it never changes. I lock myself in my own personal psych ward each weeekend I do this. Cycle that is so hard to break. Others do. I can to.

I guess I will go back to AA in the morning. Have to call my sponsor tomorrow. I texted earlier and told her. I really hope this is the time it works. I pray to God for strength to get sober.

Day 2

This is the hard time

Friday afternoon. Seems the perfect drinking time. Happy hour? Text that I've received already. I'm taking naltrexone that realllllllly helps with cravings. Yet Friday evening happy hour sounds ever so tempting. My mind thinks...maybe on the meds just one will be ok. Then I think...no alcoholic thinking and I'm supposed to be going to a meeting tonight. The week has been good and easy. Too easy? No just time to face the music now....should I stay or should I go?

Day 8

Hi my name's Mary and I'm an alcoholic

For now we will use Mary as my name. Don't want to over identify myself. I've had quite an adventure with my recovery. I'd tell you now but I'm too tired and it's past my bedtime. I shall, however, share much, much more soon.

Today is day 6. A week tomorrow.

One day at a time.