Yuck

This week has been kinda sucky. Work is ok, very busy which is good. No time to think. By evening I feel depressed, empty and hopeless AGAIN. Doing what has been suggested. Doing the meetings and talking to my sponsor about my moods. Also my therapist today.

I'm supposed to look at things more positively. Again my sponsor suggested a list of good things I did for the day. I did that for a while. A gratitude list. A list of things I like about myself and why. That's alot of lists.

I tend to feel better after certain meetings. I just dread going usually. Dread going anywhere alot of the time. Looking forward to something is my wish right now. Be happy. Stay sober.

What I did right:
1. Went to work
2. Saw my therapist
3. Went to my daughters meeting at school
4. Didn't drink which should have been first.
5. Meditated, prayed and did my readings.
6. Ended a not good for my friendship for very good reasons. Didn't feel good and makes me sad but it's   
    for the best.

The rest are more personal and I will do in my journal and maybe do some step work.

Tomorrow brings work, donating blood, and a 6 and 8 meeting.

Day 20

Valentine's Day

No big deal for me because I have no boyfriend but that's ok.

So after my last post I decided I was not looking at it from their point of view. I also think it was my way of isolating that night. Get mad, stay home. Anyway I made my ammends and apologized on Sunday morning.

The week has been ok so far. Meeting both days. Later afternoon, today and several others, I started feeling depressed. No identifyable reason. I tried to do as my therapist said and reframe my thoughts positively. I took a minute and meditated and said the Lords prayer. I felt a little better. I came home and had some hot tea and went to a meeting.

Supposed to be thinking of little things (per my therapist) I can do during the day when I start feeling that way to help myself. I have thought of prayer, quick meditation, hot tea, but I'm really not coming up with anything else. Suggestions?

Mixed Emotions

This week went pretty well. By Thursday afternoon I started feeling depressed and craving a drink. I saw my therapist and it went well. Friday the same thing. I begrudingly went to my 6 and 8 meetings and did feel better. I felt very grateful this morning.

I was supposed to go to a friends tonight to watch a movie. So I was joking with her this morning about lets go get a drink. She knows everything and just wanted to make sure she was clear on everything. She said I thought you weren't drinking and I told her no just kidding, etc. She said lol I thought I was going to have to call your sister. My sister is being very overprotective. She calls at least 3 times daily and that's ok but she can't run my life. I told my friend no it was just a joke. Sometimes you have to laugh instead of cry. Well she called her anyway. It pissed me off. She said she just wanted to make sure they were on the same page and if I couldn't see that she was just being a friend then I could just stay home and feel sorry for myself. I'm so confused. I realize I've made mistakes but I have to have some space. I have to run my life not my sister or anyone else. I feel like a 2 year old. Maybe I'm overreacting. I don't know.

Checking in

Just wanted to check in. I am feeling better this week. I think they may have finally got my meds right. I have totally committed myself to AA. I have been to meetings everyday and will do so for 90 days and am working with my sponsor.

There have been a few tough times but I called my sponsor and went to a meetings and prayed. After my hospital visit I know I have to do this. It was probably what I really needed and the best part for me is it's not a secret anymore. My parents know and are very supportive. I don't announce it to the world but my close friends know I am going to AA. I am not embarrassed by it. I have a disease and need help. I doubt I would have ever told my parents otherwise. Also my daughter is being very supportive about me going to meetings. So just the freedom of it not being a secret anymore is really helpful. I am going to do anything and everything that is suggested by my sponsor. If someone doesn't want to be my friend because of my problem then that's their choice.

So my top priority is sobriety. I will do this. Just wanted to let everyone know how things are going this week.

Back to work

After my "mental health" vacation I go back to work tomorrow. Starting a new position in my company. 8 to 5 so it will keep me busy. I get an hour lunch so gonna try to make noon meetings if possible.

Today was better than yesterday. Church, visited a friend, ran, showered and a little laundry. I feel a little sad and anxious off and on but not too bad. Part of me wishes I didn't have to go back to work yet but I have to so trying to make the most of it.

Went to the 8:00 meeting last night and felt some better after. I know the bad and hard times come and go. I know this. I just have to deal. I'm really determined and will follow directions and go to meetings and pray for sobriety to continue. This time last week I was in the psych ward so it's an improvement right?

Been sober for 9 days. You start your count on the 1st day you didn't drink at all right?

Restless

So it's early 8:35 am. I'm restless and anxious. I have a few things to do but nothing major. Guess I need to find something to do...NOT DRINKING!!!

Maybe noon meeting, 6:00 meeting tonight. I need to read my big book and do some step work. God will get me through this day.

Today is one week sober.

Ok

Today was ok. I showered, payed bills, had lunch with a friend, saw my new therapist, took my daughter to the dentist, went for a walk with my sister, and then a meeting.

Little restless this morning, some depression but not too bad. I met a man in the hospital so he's been going to meetings with me before he leaves for 30 days rehab. I've made it very clear we both need to concentrate on our sobriety right now and just be friends. Of course I find myself extremely attracted to him. He scares me. I don't know whether he's honest or lies or anything. He says the right things but I've heard that before.

Anyway sobriety first. Wish he'd go on to rehab so I can quit thinking about him....men scare me, relationships scare me. the way I am feeling about him really scare me. I've been hurt too much.

Changes

Since I lasted posted some major events have happened. I explained about being so depressed so Friday I was sick of feeling depressed and decided to drink. Keep in mind I hadn't been doing AA or anything except sleeping and being depressed for months. So after some wild and crazy drinking I apparently told a friend I was going to drive my car into a wall and be done with it. He called my sister who came and said you are either going voluntarily to the hospital or I have a doctor who will put you on a 72 hour hold. So I went. My blood alcohol level was 286. I had to stay in ER all night until it went down to 100. Then they transported me to a local psych unit. I stayed from Saturday until today. The doctor changed my meds and I spent the first three days in bed sleeping and crying except for mandatory groups and food. Yesterday I started feeling better and socialized more and didn't sleep or cry all day. They let me leave today. I have an appointment with a therapist tomorrow. I went to talk to my sponsor and have committed to 90 in 90. I will do whatever she says. I never want to go back to the place again. So this will involve lots of help and changes. No more isolating and staying home alone. If my daughters gone I'm leaving, meeting, my sisters, whatever. I told all my close friends what happened and that I will be doing AA, including my parents, everyone has been very supportive. I know from experience it's so hard but if I don't get sober I will end of dead. And I can't do that....

So will going to meetings and gonna check our itr meeting as well. It's all out in the open now and I can't keep playing with fire. I'm giving it to my Higher Power because only He can help me do this.