Life is hard

So last weekend I went out Friday night with some friends and drank. Was supposed to go with some friends Saturday but didn't wake up till noon. My friend was worried so she called my sister who dragged me over to her house for the weekend and made me not sleep all the time. Then Monday I went on a date and drank and told her I was going home and ended up at a friends house while she's freaking out because she didn't know where I was. Then she decided I should move in with her. She didn't even want me to drive my car to work. I know she's trying to help but I couldn't handle all that and came back home.

However my depression is continuing. Better at times but not at times. Trying to find a psychiatrist to adjust my meds. I know I need to stop drinking but it's so freaking hard. Supposed to get with friends this weekend. Trying to socialize more. Who knows? Life sucks...

Trying to live life

I'm trying. I'm trying to live life. I actually met a man who has been asking me out last night. Of course, we drank. Not too much. Couple glasses of wine. Everyone I know drinks. I'm going to try to get out some this weekend with friends. I don't know if I will drink. Started back on my anti-anxiety meds. Hoping things improve.

I'm checking out a position available within my company. Maybe a change will help. Who know....

Random word association

I drank Friday. I had all I could take of feeling awful. Depressed, anxious, twitchy, tired, etc. So I had some beer and went to dinner and out with friends. It was ok. Fuzzy about halfway through the evening. Took a cab so I was safe.

I'm confused. I don't really want to drink. I felt miserable the last few weeks though. I have spent the last 3 weekends in bed for the most part, depressed, no energy. I started some vitamins. Haven't been able to make myself workout lately. Mostly staying home except Friday night. Spent Monday with my daughter. I started back on my anti-anxiety meds to see if that helps.

I lay in bed last night just thinking of whatever words came to mind. I was having trouble sleeping. Strange thoughts and strange random words.

Crazy Midnight Thoughts

alone, no one to sleep with, no one to cuddle with, alone in my bed with my dogs, you have someone, and so do you, where is someone for me, I'm tired of this life, I'm tired of this feelings, I hate my job, I'm scared to do most things for fear of drinking, why not drink, dangerous, stupid, pointless, drowning in my sorrow, fearful, black surrounds me, buries me, can it end now?

cuts, my wrist against a knife, a bottle of pills, driving off a cliff, would these help, they would hurt others, they would be the ultimate selfish act, i don;t want to be selfish, I want to be happy, free, find joy in life, hike, cook, shop, date, travel, be carefree. how, i don't know, relax, pray, be patient, keep a good attitude, it's overwhelming and i want to bury in the darkness and hibernate for months, I want to get better, i want to be happy, the darkness buries me, can it end now?

why me? why not someone else, why do i deserve this plight in life, so many blessings i do have, how difficult it is to focus on them in the darkness in my head, black surrounds me, darkness suffocates me, i want light and sun and God. Satan be gone, darkness be gone, give me peace, love hope, black buries me, can it end now? Can I go now?

3 weeks

3 weeks ago today I had my last drink. I started early, about one, had 3 beers, took a nap, met a friend at a resturant, had 2 margaritas and a beer, went to a friends house, 2 more beers, we called a cab and went out. I lost count after that. We went to a local hangout, then down the street to a bar, very fuzzy but a bouncer asked me to leave and off I went in a cab home. I don't know why I was asked to leave. I've had more dangerous nights, I guess I had fun, really don't remember much. The next day I decided it was a waste of time, all this drinking. So I resolved, again, to stop. But for a year. Then re-evaluate. I have had a couple of hard days. But not too many. I have battled depression. I have had these muscle twitches for over a week now. Just feel numb. Today I was told the naltrexone could be causing it so I'm considering quitting it. I hate this numb, twitchy feeling. It's yuck and no fun. So will I have more cravings if I stop it? I don't know. I think it's worth a try because with this feeling I don't feel like doing anything. I want to feel happy, full of life, etc. So I think I will try stopping it and see if that helps.

Yesterday I had 2 men, both with girlfriends, try to get me to hook up, have phone sex, send them pics, etc. One is an ex. The other I have a history with as well. They both have girlfriends now, self proclaimed, in a relationship on facebook. Why do men do this? Do they get bored or what? I told them both no. I don't mess around with other girls boyfriends, not nice and bad karma. But it made me think. Is it me? Do they hit on others too? Why do they think I would do that even if they are "in a relationship"? I don't trust men anyway and they only reinforced that feeling. If I was to ever date either again I wouldn't trust them to be faithful. I mean, if they try it with me they will try it with someone else eventually. But I wouldn't have thought one would do that. So who is to say that any man will be faithful? And are the women they are with doing the same thing? Do they suspect their man is trying to be with someone else? Love is crazy and confusing and scary.

Anyway, it's Friday night and I'm home. It's been a long 3 weeks, here's to another 49 weeks of sobriety. (At which point I believe I will not want to go back to drinking but it makes me feel better to have a re-evalutation point.)

Day 21

Alive

So I made it through 2 days of work. It wasn't awful. Not great but I did what I am supposed to. I met with Dr. C. yesterday. I read some of my journal to him. He thinks I am not allowing myself to hear what my subcouncious wants me to. I talked with him about being so twitchy and jittery. He didn't seem overly concerned.

As I read he prompted me to change my don't and can't's to won'ts. He had me write down some things. One being "I am scared to be in a relationship because it hurt too much and I don't ever want to feel like I did when..I got a divorce, broke up with my ex-boyfriend, etc" It's true. I don't. I am afraid to take risks for fear of failing. I am afraid to be alone, of losing my parents, of my daughteir growing up and leaving me alone. I am afraid of life.

When I left I actually felt some better, less anxious, less jumpy. I'm trying to replace won't in my thoughts and then I can change it to will. I will stay sober.

Day 19

Day 17

Moving on in the day count. Got up and did my boot camp. It wasn't bad today. Tomorrow will probably be harder. Came home and went back to bed for 3 hours. Did laundry. Not much else.

I feel so strange. My body is twitching. I know that sounds odd but when I lay down to sleep or just sitting my body is really twitching and jumpy. I feel half asleep half the time and my body feels almost numb in a way. I don't know what that's all about. If it continues I may call the doctor, it's a disturbing feeling.

Back to work tomorrow. Then see Dr. C. Busy, full day. More than I've done in the last few weeks. Hopefully I will get into the swing of things and feel more normal. My mood is ok. Not great but not sad.

Happy New Year

Today has been pretty good. Woke up, went to church, had lunch and spent the afternoon with family. Tomorrow I have a 6:00 am boot camp (exercise class) I agreed to do with my sister. I have been dreading it but I can handle it. I have to get back to living life and stop hiding at home.

My phrase for the year is "willingness to follow-through" with sobriety, and everything else I start. I am focusing on sobriety though because I believe everything else will fall into place if I stay sober.

Day 16