Waiting

I am no good at waiting. I am currently waiting to go for a drive with a friend. I expected he meant earlier. He didn't say earlier I just assumed. So now I've been ready for over an hour and just wait. I've change twice in this process.

I am really no good at waiting for anything. I have the desire for instant gratification which seems true for most alcoholics. I want to be sober 10 years now. I can't do that but often wish I could. To jump ahead and have the knowledge, the time, the security I imagine I will have.

Waiting is the journey, the learning, the growing. I need to embrace the here and now. To not expect everything now but learn patience and the ability to live in now with what I have.

I have my sobriety now. My head may be a big jumble at times and sometimes I don't know what I am even waiting on. But I am sober. Maybe as the fog clears my head will too. Maybe I will learn to accept things as they are rather than always wanting something different. Maybe I am learning that day by day more than I realize.

I guess I wait on acceptance. Acceptance of my fears, my problems, my downfalls. I tend to expect more than what I am from myself. I feel the need to be different, have a new job, have new clothes, live a busy and productive life.

Maybe I don't need to worry about these things. Maybe they will fall into place on their own.

I just need to accept me, now, as I am, and pratice patience. Sit with my feelings. And be ok.