Waiting

I am no good at waiting. I am currently waiting to go for a drive with a friend. I expected he meant earlier. He didn't say earlier I just assumed. So now I've been ready for over an hour and just wait. I've change twice in this process.

I am really no good at waiting for anything. I have the desire for instant gratification which seems true for most alcoholics. I want to be sober 10 years now. I can't do that but often wish I could. To jump ahead and have the knowledge, the time, the security I imagine I will have.

Waiting is the journey, the learning, the growing. I need to embrace the here and now. To not expect everything now but learn patience and the ability to live in now with what I have.

I have my sobriety now. My head may be a big jumble at times and sometimes I don't know what I am even waiting on. But I am sober. Maybe as the fog clears my head will too. Maybe I will learn to accept things as they are rather than always wanting something different. Maybe I am learning that day by day more than I realize.

I guess I wait on acceptance. Acceptance of my fears, my problems, my downfalls. I tend to expect more than what I am from myself. I feel the need to be different, have a new job, have new clothes, live a busy and productive life.

Maybe I don't need to worry about these things. Maybe they will fall into place on their own.

I just need to accept me, now, as I am, and pratice patience. Sit with my feelings. And be ok.

Expectations

I find my mind too busy most of the time. I am always thinking. About doing this or that. Mostly what I "should" be doing that I'm not. I am reading 2 books by Pema Chodron, one is
" Getting Unstuck" and the other is "Taking the Leap". This is her website http://pemachodronfoundation.org/store/buy-books/ She has talked about some good stuff so far. I am trying to achieve more mindfulness, staying in the moment and dealing with my "stuckness" with alcohol and life in general.

I am signed up for a half marathon in December but have I been training? We should know that's a big fat no. I think about how I need to train and how I should run but don't. I realized yesterday I don't have to feel like it I just need to do it. I read another book where the runner repeated "I choose to run" so this morning I choose to run, at least a little to start.

I am not happy in my job but do have an interview this afternoon and have made some recent efforts to apply different places so I am working on that.

I need to write down my endless list of what I feel like I should be doing and mark it off as I go. I think I would be happier if I ran everyday, ate right, did this or did that. I don't know if I would be or not but isn't that alcohol thinking??? All or nothing.

So today I will try to relieve myself of "should" and focus on the moment. What I am doing.

Still going

I have made it 32 days today. It felt good to celebrate 30 days! I still feel good, wonder if it's the pink cloud. I've had that before but if it is then I will take it. I'm trying to branch out, get new routines and do new and different things to grow in my sober life. I want to get a regular yoga routine going and have found some meditation classes I am excited about starting.

I need to work a recovery program I feel, right now I'm not besides what I do myself. I am very involved in an online group but maybe something face to face. AA I have done but honestly it seems so all consuming that I haven't gone back lately. I may try to go to some meetings. I want to protect my sobriety but not have that be my entire life. As I type this I realize...maybe it needs to be my entire life right now...something for me to consider...

Peace

I'm on day 16 now. I am on antabuse and it is really helping me. The mental obession has been lifted becaus if I drink I will be violently ill. Don't want that. So I have been relieved of the obession for now. As always the mental obession gets me. I am living life again. I love it.

Day 3

I made it through last night. Dinner party at my house went great. One person brought alcohol and had 2 drinks. Everyone seemed to have fun. And so did I.

Today will be a challange maybe. I'm alone at home. Was invited to the lake but that will be drinking time so can't do that. Plan to stay home and get some stuff done. Feeling ok so far but it's only 6 AM.

 

Time to try again

Day 2. Trying this again. And again till I get it right. I have to lay low and stay away from friends who are drinking or who will drink with me despite knowing my situation. It's not their responsibility but mine. However I get such mixed messages. Asking me to go and waving the waiter over then texting me the next day about how I have no self control. It's true though. When it comes to alcohol I have no control at all.

Three days alone this weekend. Confused on how to stay busy but praying for strength. I can't hide behind the excuse, I can't bury myself in social activities because I will drink, too much time alone is not good for me...But I have done it before and can do it again. I have non drinking friends, I have my family.

God give me the strength to do this.

time

how time changes things. drinking again. more in control now yet i have that nagging guilt about it. i have an idea of how life should be and work to accomplish that i suppose. the drinks are random bringing relief at times and nothing at time.