I drank Friday. I had all I could take of feeling awful. Depressed, anxious, twitchy, tired, etc. So I had some beer and went to dinner and out with friends. It was ok. Fuzzy about halfway through the evening. Took a cab so I was safe.
I'm confused. I don't really want to drink. I felt miserable the last few weeks though. I have spent the last 3 weekends in bed for the most part, depressed, no energy. I started some vitamins. Haven't been able to make myself workout lately. Mostly staying home except Friday night. Spent Monday with my daughter. I started back on my anti-anxiety meds to see if that helps.
I lay in bed last night just thinking of whatever words came to mind. I was having trouble sleeping. Strange thoughts and strange random words.
Crazy Midnight Thoughts
alone, no one to sleep with, no one to cuddle with, alone in my bed with my dogs, you have someone, and so do you, where is someone for me, I'm tired of this life, I'm tired of this feelings, I hate my job, I'm scared to do most things for fear of drinking, why not drink, dangerous, stupid, pointless, drowning in my sorrow, fearful, black surrounds me, buries me, can it end now?
cuts, my wrist against a knife, a bottle of pills, driving off a cliff, would these help, they would hurt others, they would be the ultimate selfish act, i don;t want to be selfish, I want to be happy, free, find joy in life, hike, cook, shop, date, travel, be carefree. how, i don't know, relax, pray, be patient, keep a good attitude, it's overwhelming and i want to bury in the darkness and hibernate for months, I want to get better, i want to be happy, the darkness buries me, can it end now?
why me? why not someone else, why do i deserve this plight in life, so many blessings i do have, how difficult it is to focus on them in the darkness in my head, black surrounds me, darkness suffocates me, i want light and sun and God. Satan be gone, darkness be gone, give me peace, love hope, black buries me, can it end now? Can I go now?
I'm confused. I don't really want to drink. I felt miserable the last few weeks though. I have spent the last 3 weekends in bed for the most part, depressed, no energy. I started some vitamins. Haven't been able to make myself workout lately. Mostly staying home except Friday night. Spent Monday with my daughter. I started back on my anti-anxiety meds to see if that helps.
I lay in bed last night just thinking of whatever words came to mind. I was having trouble sleeping. Strange thoughts and strange random words.
Crazy Midnight Thoughts
alone, no one to sleep with, no one to cuddle with, alone in my bed with my dogs, you have someone, and so do you, where is someone for me, I'm tired of this life, I'm tired of this feelings, I hate my job, I'm scared to do most things for fear of drinking, why not drink, dangerous, stupid, pointless, drowning in my sorrow, fearful, black surrounds me, buries me, can it end now?
cuts, my wrist against a knife, a bottle of pills, driving off a cliff, would these help, they would hurt others, they would be the ultimate selfish act, i don;t want to be selfish, I want to be happy, free, find joy in life, hike, cook, shop, date, travel, be carefree. how, i don't know, relax, pray, be patient, keep a good attitude, it's overwhelming and i want to bury in the darkness and hibernate for months, I want to get better, i want to be happy, the darkness buries me, can it end now?
why me? why not someone else, why do i deserve this plight in life, so many blessings i do have, how difficult it is to focus on them in the darkness in my head, black surrounds me, darkness suffocates me, i want light and sun and God. Satan be gone, darkness be gone, give me peace, love hope, black buries me, can it end now? Can I go now?
It's never too late to start over :) Do what you have to do, hang in there and NEVER give up *hugs*
ReplyDeleteI've felt like that before. I've felt desperate and hopeless. It's depression. Depression makes everything seem shitty and hopeless and pointless. Medication worked for me. The meds didn't work until I eliminated the booze because the alcohol counteracted any effects of the meds, but they really helped when I finally did it right.
ReplyDeleteThe depression seems to be one of the inevitable traits of an addict. Some people don't believe in taking meds, but I am not alone in thinking depression should be treated separately from recovery. And if one med doesn't help, try another. Life's too short. Hope I'm not overstepping but I just know how much it sucks to feel the way you're feeling.
Big hugs to you.