So I made it through 2 days of work. It wasn't awful. Not great but I did what I am supposed to. I met with Dr. C. yesterday. I read some of my journal to him. He thinks I am not allowing myself to hear what my subcouncious wants me to. I talked with him about being so twitchy and jittery. He didn't seem overly concerned.
As I read he prompted me to change my don't and can't's to won'ts. He had me write down some things. One being "I am scared to be in a relationship because it hurt too much and I don't ever want to feel like I did when..I got a divorce, broke up with my ex-boyfriend, etc" It's true. I don't. I am afraid to take risks for fear of failing. I am afraid to be alone, of losing my parents, of my daughteir growing up and leaving me alone. I am afraid of life.
When I left I actually felt some better, less anxious, less jumpy. I'm trying to replace won't in my thoughts and then I can change it to will. I will stay sober.
Day 19
As I read he prompted me to change my don't and can't's to won'ts. He had me write down some things. One being "I am scared to be in a relationship because it hurt too much and I don't ever want to feel like I did when..I got a divorce, broke up with my ex-boyfriend, etc" It's true. I don't. I am afraid to take risks for fear of failing. I am afraid to be alone, of losing my parents, of my daughteir growing up and leaving me alone. I am afraid of life.
When I left I actually felt some better, less anxious, less jumpy. I'm trying to replace won't in my thoughts and then I can change it to will. I will stay sober.
Day 19
I like that strategy with "won't." I will have to try that.
ReplyDeleteFear stifles everything - sometimes I can be accused of being foolhardy or as if I have not considered the consequences, but just as often, I see perfectly capable friends sitting on the sidelines writing lists of the pros and the cons when life is actually burning up right in front of them.
ReplyDeleteI don't know what to say, but sometimes just jumping and saying fuck the consequences is the best option. But you're getting closer...
I'm starting to realize that my drinking may have been to cover up my fears. I think my divorce hit me harder than I realize. I'm since remarried but I bottle up my feelings and frustrations for fear that if I make my wife mad she would leave me.
ReplyDeleteI suppose it's the "absolute-ism" of the alcoholic mind....screw up once and it's over. There is no forgiveness or second chances. Not for me anyway, I don't deserve it! :-)
Hang in there!!