Today was another blah-ish day. Started ok. Went to my morning meeting. Went to work. Was supposed to meet with my supervior about a particular goal I was supposed to meet that I didn't. She showed up about 2 rather than 9:30 as planned due to a conflict. So anyway I gave what I felt like were my valid reasons for not making it. This is the first time in 10 years I haven't made it. I was at 92%. She didn't seem to think my reasons were valid. I got defensive I guess. She told me I didn't ever seem willing to go over and beyond to make it happen. She made me feel like I wasn't doing a good job. Truth is I don't take critisim well. Never have. So if I don't make the goal next quarter they cut my pay. That can't happen. So I guess I will "go over and beyond" to make sure I make the goal.
I hate that when someone corrects me I feel so bad, defensive. I had planned to try and really not become defensive but I did anyway. She didn't say what I "thought " she should maybe? Maybe because deep down I think if I hadn't called in "sick" aka hungover then maybe I would have made the goal. The first time in 10 years. Also the worse my alcoholism had been. I didn't miss a ton of work but a few days, yes....I could have worked harder some days but I'm burned out at my job. I'm sick of it and don't want to go but have no choice.
So I cried and had a pity party, took a nap, talked to my sponsor and will move on. Thought about drinking but really that would only make me feel worse and I didn't even really want to. I just wanted to feel sorry for myself so I did for a bit. I'm on vacation until after Thanksgiving and will use this time to regroup and pray for a better attitude about my job. Then go back and do whatever it takes to make the goal happen.
I think this is one of those character defects I need to work on when we get to that step. Yuck.
Day 25
I hate that when someone corrects me I feel so bad, defensive. I had planned to try and really not become defensive but I did anyway. She didn't say what I "thought " she should maybe? Maybe because deep down I think if I hadn't called in "sick" aka hungover then maybe I would have made the goal. The first time in 10 years. Also the worse my alcoholism had been. I didn't miss a ton of work but a few days, yes....I could have worked harder some days but I'm burned out at my job. I'm sick of it and don't want to go but have no choice.
So I cried and had a pity party, took a nap, talked to my sponsor and will move on. Thought about drinking but really that would only make me feel worse and I didn't even really want to. I just wanted to feel sorry for myself so I did for a bit. I'm on vacation until after Thanksgiving and will use this time to regroup and pray for a better attitude about my job. Then go back and do whatever it takes to make the goal happen.
I think this is one of those character defects I need to work on when we get to that step. Yuck.
Day 25
I am the same way!! I really don't like to be criticized and tend to take it way too personally. I think it's part of the alcoholic mind. The Trixie in my head hears someone speak negatively about me or the work I've done and tells me that that person will never like or respect me. That voice only allows for one mistake. It's pretty sick thinking.
ReplyDeleteAnd I think that's how Trixie works to get us alone by telling us no one else is interested. Once we're convinced we're alone it's easier to convince us to drink.
I sooo get the feeling defensive thing about being criticized. But you know what, who the hell doesn't? We're not that different!
ReplyDeleteBut I love the way you processed the whole thing in your post and made sense of the whole thing. You go girl!