???

Today has been different than yesterday. I stayed home and cleaned house. I have to meet with my sponsor in a little while before the 6:00 meeting to go over step one ... again ... I did step one a couple of times when I was in AA in the spring.

I feel down, not happy, no reason not to be but I'm not. I just feel depressed. I started feeling more so as the day has gone on. I don't want to go talk about step one or go to the meeting. I want to hide in my house in my pj's. I closed all the blinds earlier this afternoon and sat in the semi-darkness half napping and praying the feeling would go away.

I'm dressed and waiting for her to call but with all my heart I wish something would happen and she would cancel. I don't know why I feel this dread. That's what it is .... dread. Just as I'm typing I was able to name the feeling. Dread. Why do I dread this? Why after having been feeling pretty good, happy yesterday, do I totally dread tonight? Why do I want to go into hiding again? I've felt like hiding at home many times and have many times but not in a while.

I'm scared. And I don't want to do this. But I will. With the dread and fear. And hope it's goes away because I do not like these feelings one bit.

Day 31