Today was my appointment with Dr. C. I woke up feeling good, happy and all. Took the kids to lunch and my daughter notices an older man sitting next to us by himself. She said it was sad. I tried to comfort her by saying well he probably has family at home, etc. But the truth was it made me sad too. And the sadness stuck through the afternoon.
I came home and took a brief nap. Then went to see Dr. C. I told him about feeling sad. I kept saying I don't know why. Of course from last week we then reviewed that I probably do know but am blocking, don't want to talk about it, etc. So we get on the topic of lonely. I start crying. Yes, a fear of mine is being lonely. I already dread my daughter going to college and that's 3 years away. So we concluded yes, I am lonely and I am fearful of being alone long term. My life is dull (his word) and I filled the void with alcohol. Agreed. So I ask what do I do about that? Well, that's where I have to stop saying I don't know and identify. He asked if felt like I had made mistakes that I regretted with my marriage, relationships, etc that I blame myself for. No, I really don't think so. The only major regret I have is drinking to the point I'm at now. We talked about the AA workbook and journaling again. I just ordered the workbook online and will make an effort to journal (writing, not just blogging) about my feelings this week. Maybe then we can get to the bottom of this issue?? WTF I don't even know why I have that fear? I felt great last week mostly. After the appointment I went and worked out and came home. I feel ok now. Not as sad.
We'll see what tomorrow holds....day 11
I came home and took a brief nap. Then went to see Dr. C. I told him about feeling sad. I kept saying I don't know why. Of course from last week we then reviewed that I probably do know but am blocking, don't want to talk about it, etc. So we get on the topic of lonely. I start crying. Yes, a fear of mine is being lonely. I already dread my daughter going to college and that's 3 years away. So we concluded yes, I am lonely and I am fearful of being alone long term. My life is dull (his word) and I filled the void with alcohol. Agreed. So I ask what do I do about that? Well, that's where I have to stop saying I don't know and identify. He asked if felt like I had made mistakes that I regretted with my marriage, relationships, etc that I blame myself for. No, I really don't think so. The only major regret I have is drinking to the point I'm at now. We talked about the AA workbook and journaling again. I just ordered the workbook online and will make an effort to journal (writing, not just blogging) about my feelings this week. Maybe then we can get to the bottom of this issue?? WTF I don't even know why I have that fear? I felt great last week mostly. After the appointment I went and worked out and came home. I feel ok now. Not as sad.
We'll see what tomorrow holds....day 11
No comments:
Post a Comment