Sadness is still creeping around me. I'm trying to stay in the moment. I wrote in my journal last night and this afternoon when feeling sad so maybe it will help me piece together my puzzle.
I was supposed to have a training session at 2:00 this afternoon. I cancelled it. I just wanted to stay home and sleep. I slept for 2 hours. Then read some of Mindfulness and the 12 steps. I have that and Budda's way through the 12 steps on my kindle and the women's way through the 12 steps book. I'm working on reading each step in each book. But I feel like I need a sponsor to work the steps with? Or maybe I can just do them? I haven't been to any meetings this week. Maybe Friday night if my daughter isn't home.
I feel a sense of hopelessness, sadness, no joy in my life, or nothing that I'm even looking forward to. Just a blanket of fear and sadness right now. I'm not tearful. Just empty. The void I used to fill with alcohol is empty and I feel it's emptiness. I am feeling like hibernating again. Just staying in the safety of my house. Like I did this afternoon. I know it's not good for me to do that but sometimes I just give in to it. Not really craving alcohol. That's good.
Day 12
I was supposed to have a training session at 2:00 this afternoon. I cancelled it. I just wanted to stay home and sleep. I slept for 2 hours. Then read some of Mindfulness and the 12 steps. I have that and Budda's way through the 12 steps on my kindle and the women's way through the 12 steps book. I'm working on reading each step in each book. But I feel like I need a sponsor to work the steps with? Or maybe I can just do them? I haven't been to any meetings this week. Maybe Friday night if my daughter isn't home.
I feel a sense of hopelessness, sadness, no joy in my life, or nothing that I'm even looking forward to. Just a blanket of fear and sadness right now. I'm not tearful. Just empty. The void I used to fill with alcohol is empty and I feel it's emptiness. I am feeling like hibernating again. Just staying in the safety of my house. Like I did this afternoon. I know it's not good for me to do that but sometimes I just give in to it. Not really craving alcohol. That's good.
Day 12
hi there! i've been reading your blog in my google reader thing for a while but it makes me lazy about commenting so i haven;t commented - sorry!
ReplyDeletei've been in the rooms for 18 months now and the one thing i have heard over and over is that folks should keep going to meetings and that stopping going is a quick way to relapse. reading your blog i've noticed that you sometimes don't want to go, or can't face meetings, and that it leads you back to the bottle. it might help if you got some phone numbers at your home group and set up people coming to collect you on their way to meetings so it gets you there? hope you get through this and start to find it all easier. i know for me it was the best thing i ever did and i wish i'd done it 20 years ago!
hugs.